THE COMPLETE NONSENSE 
BOOK 



THE COMPLETE NON- 
SENSE BOOK 



BY 



EDWARD LEAR 

Containing all the Orighial Pictures and Verses, together with New Material 



^Edited by 
LADY STRACHEY 

OF SUTTON COURT 



Introduction by 
THE EARL OF CROMER 

O. C. B., G. C. M. G., E. C. S. I. 




NEW YORK 

DUFFIELD & COMPANY 
1912 






CoPYRISHT, 1912, BY 

CONSTANCE, LADY STRACHEY 



©CI.A309230 

I 



(Original Srfttraf tun 



, TO THE 

GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, GRAND-NEPHEWS, AKD GRAND-NIECES 

OP EDWARD, 13TH EARX OF DERBY, 

THIS BOOK OF DRAWINGS AND VERSES 

{The greater part of which were originally ma.de and composed for their parents,) 

3a BebxtaUb by tin? Aatijnr 

Edward Lear. 
London, 186S. 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

PREFACE BY LORD CROMER 9 

EDITOR'S NOTE 23 

LEAR'S INTRODUCTION TO MORE NONSENSE SONGS AND 

STORIES 25 

THE BIRD BOOK 29 

QUEERY LEARY NONSENSE 

Mrs. Blue Dickey-Bird .33 

Drawings for Mother Goose . ■•• . 34 

Illustrations for The Owl and the Pussy Cat 41 

Pittacus Pollywhobble ,.,42 

Foss . . 45 

Ger-woman and Ger-man 46 

At Dingle Bank 47 

Spots of Greece . .48 

Epitaph 48 

The Youthful Cove ,. ., 49 

Mrs. Jaypher -.51 

THE BOOK OF NONSENSE 

There was an Old Man with a nose . '55 

There was a Young Person of Smyrna ........ 55 

There was an Old Man on a hill 56 

There was an Old Person of Chili 56 

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny 57 

There was an Old Man with a gong 57 

There was an Old Man of Columbia 58 

There was an Old Man in a tree . 58 

There was an Old Lady of Chertsey 59 

There was a Young Lady whose chin 59 

There was an Old Man with a flute 60 

There was a Young Lady of Portugal 60 

There was an Old Person of Ischia 61 

There was an Old Man of Vienna 61 

[viil 



CONTENTS 

PAOE 

There was an Old Man in a boat ...... v » . 62 

There was an Old Person of Buda 62 

There was an Old Man of Moldavia 63 

There was an Old Person of Hurst 63 

There was an Old Man of Madras 64 

There was an Old Person of Dover 64 

There was an Old Person of Cadiz 65 

There was an Old Person of Leeds 65 

There was an Old Man of the Isles 66 

There was an Old Person of Basing 66 

There was an Old Man who supposed . .67 

There was an Old Person whose habits 67 

There was an Old Man of the West 68 

There was an Old Man of Marseilles 68 

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin .69 

There was a Young Lady whose nose , ,. 69 

There was an Old Man of Apulia ......... 70 

There was an Old Man of Quebec 70 

There was a Young Lady of Norway 71 

There was a Young Lady of Bute 71' 

There was an Old Person of Philae . 72 

There was an Old Man with a poker 72 

There was an Old Man of Peru 73 

There was an Old Person of Prague 73 

There was an Old Man of the North ........ 74 

There was an Old Person of Troy 74 

There was an Old Man of Melrose 75 

There was an Old Person of Tring 75 

There was an Old Person of Mold 76 

There was an Old Man of the Nile 77 

There was an Old Man of Nepaul 78 

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi 78 

There was an Old Man of Calcutta 79 

There was an Old Person of Rhodes ........ 79 

There was an Old Man of the South 80 

There was an Old Man of the Dee 81 

There was a Young Lady of Lucca 81 

There was an Old Man of Coblenz . . ... . . . . .82 

[ viii ] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There was an Old Man of Bohemia 82 

There was an Old Man of Corfu 83 

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius 83 

There was an Old Man of Dundee 84 

There was an Old Lady whose folly 85 

There was an Old Man on some rocks 86 

There was an Old Person of Rheims 86 

There was an Old Man of Leghorn 87 

There was an Old Man in a pew 87 

There was a Young Lady of Hull 88 

There was an Old Person of Dutton 88 

There was a Young Lady of Troy 89 

There was an Old Man who said, "How 89 

There was an Old Person of Bangor ........ 90 

There was an Old Man who said, "Hush ! . . . . . .90 

There was a Young Lady of Russia .91 

There was a Young Lady of Tyre .91 

There was an Old Man of Jamaica 92 

There was an Old Man of the East 92 

There was an Old Man of the Coast 93 

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka 93 

There was an Old Person of Gretna 94 

There was an Old Person of Tartary 94 

There was an Old Man of Berlin 95 

There was an Old Man of the West 95 

There was an Old Person of Cheadle 96 

There was an Old Person of Anerley 96 

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven 97 

There was a Young Lady of Wales 98 

There was an Old Man with a beard 99 

There was a Young Lady of Welling 100 

There was a Young Lady of Sweden 101 

There was an Old Person of Chester 101 

There was an Old Man of the Cape 102 

There was an Old Person of Burton 103 

There was an Old Person of Ems 104 

There was an Old Lady of Prague .104 

There was a Young Lady of Poole 105 

There was a Young Girl of Majorca 105 

[ix] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There was a Young Lady of Parma . ,. 106 

There was an Old Person of Sparta . . 106 

There was a Young Lady of Turkey 107 

There was an Old Man on whose nose 108 

There was an Old Man of Aosta 108 

There was a Young Person of Crete 109 

There was a Young Lady of Clare . . 110 

There was a Young Lady of Dorking 110 

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn Ill 

There was an Old Person of Cromer 112 

There was an Old Man of the Hague 113 

There was an Old Person of Spain 114 

There was an Old Man who said, "Well! 115 

There was an Old Man with an Owl 116 

There was an Old Man in a casement 117 

There was an Old Person of Ewell .118 

There was an Old Man of Peru 119 

There was a Young Lady of Eyde 120 

There was a Young Lady whose eyes 120 

There was an Old Man with a beard] 121 

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet .121 

NONSENSE SONGS AND STORIES 

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat 125 

The Duck and the Kangaroo 127 

The Daddy Long-Legs and the Fly 130 

The Jumblies 134 

The Nutcrackers and the Sugar-Tongs 137 

Calico Pie 139 

Mr. and Mrs. Spiky Sparrow 142 

The Broom, the Shovel, the Poker and the Tongs 145 

The Table and the Chair 147 

The Story of the Foiir Little Children "Who Went Around the World 149 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE 

PIPPLE-POPPLE 169 

. 176 
. 178 
. 180 
. 182 



THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS 
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS . 
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE . 
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS . . 

[ X ] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS . .183 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS 184 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES .... 185 

OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY 186 

OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF 1 THE FORTY-NINE 

CHILDREN 188 

CONCLUSION .....,., 189 

NONSENSE COOKERY 

Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870. . ... 198 

THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY 

To make an Amblongus Pie 194 

To Make Crumbobblious Cutlets 195 

To make Gosky Patties 196 

NONSENSE BOTANY 

B arid a Howlaloudia 199 

Enkoopia Chiekabiddia .199 

Jinglia Tinkettlia 200 

Nasticreechia Krorfuppia 200 

Arthbroomia Rigida 201 

Sophtsluggia Glutinosa 201 

Minspysia Deliciosa 202 

Shoebootia Utilis 202 

Stunnia Dinnerbellia 203 

Tickia Orologica 203 

Washtubbia Circularis 204 

Tigerlillia Terribilis 204 

Second Series 

Baccopipia Gracilis 207 

Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia 207 

Cockatooca Superba 208 

Fishia Marina 208 

Guittara Pensilis 209 

Manypeeplia Upsidownia 209 

Phattfacia Stupenda 210 

Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis 210 

Plumbunnia Nutritiosa 211 

Pollybirdia Singularis 211 

[xi] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Armchairia Comfortabilis 215 

Bassia Palealensis 215 

Bubblia Blowpipia 216 

Bluebottlia Buzztilentia 216 

Crabbia Horrida 217 

Smalltoothcombia Domestica 217 

Knutmigrata Simplice , 218 

Tureenia Ladlecum 218 

Puffia Leatherbellowsa 219 

Queeriflora Babyoides 219 

NONSENSE ALPHABETS 

A was an ant 223 

A was once an apple-pie 248 

A was an ape 270 

ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES 

There was a Young Person of Bantry 293 

There was an Old Person of Minety 293 

There was an Old Man at a Junction 294 

There was an Old Man of Thermopylae 294 

There was an Old Person of Deal 295 

There was an Old Man on the Humber 295 

There was an Old Man in a barge 296 

There was an Old Man of Toulouse 296 

There was an Old Man of Dunrose 297 

There was an Old Person of Bree 297 

There was an Old Person of Shields 298 

There was an Old Person of Bromley 298 

There was an Old Man of Dunluce 299 

There was an Old Man of Dee-side 299 

There was an Old Person in black 300 

There was an Old Man of the Dargle 300 

There was an Old Person of Pinner 301 

There was an Old Man in a Marsh 801 

There was an Old Person of China 302 

There was an Old Person of Brill 302 

There was an Old Man at a Station 803 

[Xii] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There was an Old Person of Wick 303 

There was an Old Man of Three Bridges 304 

There was an Old Man of Hong Kong 304 

There was an Old Person of Fife 305 

There was a Young Person in green 305 

There was an Old Man who screamed out 306 

There was a Young Lady in white 306 

There was an Old Person of Slough 307 

There was an Old Person of Down 307 

There was a Young Person in red 308 

There was an Old Person of Hove 308 

There was a Young Person in pink 309 

There was an Old Lady of France 309 

There was an Old Person of Putney 310 

There was an Old Person of Loo 310 

There was an Old Person of Woking 311 

There was an Old Person of Dean 311 

There was a Young Lady in blue 312 

There was an Old Person of Pisa 312 

There was an Old Man in a garden 313 

There was an Old Person of Florence 313 

There was an Old Person of Sheen 314 

There was an Old Man of Cashmere 314 

There was an Old Person of Ware 315 

There was a Young Person of Janina 315 

There was an Old Person of Pett 316 

There was an Old Person of Cassel 316 

There was an Old Man of Spithead 317 

There was an Old Man on the Border 317 

There was an Old Man of Dumbree 318 

There was an Old Person of Filey 318 

There was an Old Man whose remorse 319 

There was an Old Man of Ibreem 319 

There was an Old Person of Wilts 320 

There was an Old Person of Grange 320 

There was an Old Man of Dumblane 321 

There was an Old Man of El Hums 321 

There was an Old Man of West Dumpet 322 

[ xiii ] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There was an Old Man of Port Grigor 322 

There was an Old Person of Newry 323 

There was an Old Person of Sark 323 

There was an Old Man whose despair 324 

There was an Old Person of Barnes 324 

There was an Old Person of Nice 325 

There was a Young Lady of Greenwich 325 

There was an Old Person of Cannes 326 

There was an Old Person in grey 326 

There was an Old Person of Hyde 327 

There was an Old Person of Ickley 327 

There was an Old Man of Ancona 328 

There was an Old Person of Sestri 328 

There was an Old Person of Blythe 329 

There was a Young Person of Ayr 329 

There was an Old Person of Rimini 330 

There is a Young Lady, whose nose 330 

There was an Old Person of Ealing 331 

There was an Old Man of Thames Ditton 331 

There was an Old Person of Bray 332 

There was a Young Person whose history 332 

There was an Old Person of Bow 333 

There was an Old Person of Rye 333 

There was an Old Person of Crowle 334 

There was an Old Lady of Winchelsea 334 

There was an Old Man in a tree 335 

There was a Young Lady of Corsica 335 

There was an Old Person of Stroud 336 

There was a Young Lady of Firle 336 

There was an Old Man of Boulak 337 

There was an Old Person of Skye 337 

There was an Old Man of Blackheath 338 

There was an Old Man, who when little 339 

There was an Old Person of Dundalk 340 

There was an Old Person of Shoreham 341 

There was an Old Person of Bar 342 

There was a Young Person of Kew 343 

There was an Old Person of Jodd 344 

[ xiv ] 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There was an Old Person of Bude 345 

There was an Old Person of Brigg 346 

There was an Old Man of Messina 347 

AN ALPHABET 

The Absolutely Abstemious Ass 348 

LAUGHABLE LYRICS 

The Dong with a Luminous Nose 363 

The Two Old Bachelors 367 

The Pelicans 369 

The Pelican Chorus 370 

The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo 373 

The Courtship of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo 374 

The Pobble Who Has No Toes 379 

The New Vestments 381 

Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos 383 

Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos, Second Part 385 

The Quangle Wangle's Hat 388 

The Cummerbund, An Indian Poem 391 

The Akond of Swat 393 

Incidents in the Life of My Uncle Arly 395 

Eclogue 397 

NONSENSE ALPHABETS 

A was an Area Arch 405 

A tumbled down 419 

HOW PLEASANT TO KNOW MR. LEAR 420 

FROM THE LETTERS 

O! Mimber for the County Louth 425 

There was an Old Man who Felt Pert 426 

But ah! (the Landscape Painter said), 426 

There was an Old Person of Paxo 426 

Tennysonian Parodies 427 

O ! Chichester, my Carlingford ! . . . 427 

Saith the Poet of Nonsense 428 

When "Grand Old Men" persist in folly ., 428 

It is a Virtue in Ingenuous Youth 428 

His Garden 429 

O Brother Chicken 430 

[XV] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE 
BOOK 



PREFACE 

By Lobjd Cromer 

Perhaps the best monument to the memory of Edward Lear 
is to be found in the merry laughter which his works and draw- 
ings have excited amongst children whom he loved so well. He 
lives, and will continue to live, in the minds of the public as 
one of the great classical authors of nonsense. It is said that 
Dickens was wont to peruse carefully the records of births, 
deaths and marriages, in order to find names suitable to the 
characters in his novels. That he was singularly successful in 
the assortment of his names cannot be doubted. Although it 
would perhaps be difficult to assign any good reason for our 
opinion, we all feel that the character of the immortal Winkle 
could not, with any degree of onomatopoeic propriety, have 
been assigned to a man who spoke and conducted himself like 
Tupman, and that Mr. and Mrs. Murdstone would have be- 
haved quite differently if their names had been Trotwood. 
Who, again — to put some extreme cases — would suggest that 
the names of Micawber and Heep, of Pecksniff and Tapley, 
or of Chadband and Bucket could be transposed without 
wholly altering the impression of the characters which we 
derive from the nomenclature? Similarly, the genius of the 
great nonsense authors — Lear and Lewis Caroll — is shown in 
their choice of nonsense words. Who can describe a " Scroobi- 
ous," or " Runcible " bird? Yet the man who does not at once 
grasp the fact that the outward appearance and special char- 
acteristics of these two birds must of necessity differ widely, 
will be wholly wanting in imagination. More, indeed, may be 

[9] 



PREFACE 

said. A man of well-balanced mind, when he sees Lear's pic- 
tures, will forthwith say to himself: " Such is the appearance 
which I should naturally attribute to the Scroobious Bird. 
The Runcible Bird can obviously be like nothing else than that 
which is here depicted." Nothing, I should add, amused Lear 
more than the failure of some people to appreciate the utter 
absence of sense in his nonsense. He used to relate that some 
one once wrote to him to say that he had searched various bo- 
tanical and other works without finding any allusion to a 
" Bong-tree." * Where, his correspondent, asked, did the 
"Bong-tree" grow? 

Like Dickens in search of names, Lear was constantly 
manufacturing nonsense words. Practice made him proficient 
in the art. Here is a letter which he once wrote to me: 








' They sailed away for a year and a day 
To the land where the bong tree grows, 
And there in a wood, a Piggiwig stood 
With a ring at the end of his nose." 
{The Owl and the Pussy-Cat.) 
[10] 



PREFACE 

I hasten to add, for the benefit of anyone possessed of the 
mental endowments of him who asked for information about 
the " Bong-tree " that I believe " Slusshypipp " to be a wholly 
imaginary individual. 

A poet who wrote in that language with which Lear's 
acquaintance was, indeed, imperfect, but the literature of 
which, nevertheless, whether in its ancient or modern form, 
constituted one of the delights and solaces of his life, once said 
that Poverty alone awoke the arts, and was the teacher of 
labour : 

A' Tzeyio Awipayre, X$Y a r< ^ ri^yar; kyeipst, 
dura to ^co^doto SiSddxakot;.* 

It is to that chill penury against which Lear's life was one 
continuous and arduous struggle, that we probably owe pro- 
ductions which have been the delight of so many nurseries. 
He perhaps occasionally felt some slight disappointment that 
his fame rested not so much on his merits as an artist, as on 
the fact that he was known throughout the child-world as the 
author of " Dumbledownderry." But neither his impecuni- 
osity nor his disappointment could sour his essentially lovable 
nature, or tinge with the least shade of cynicism a humour, 
which was above all things kindly and genial. He was too 
warm-hearted to be satirical. His laughter was, indeed, akin 
to tears. I have known him sit down to the piano and sob 
whilst he played and sang: " Tears, Idle Tears," which he had 
himself set to music, and the next morning send me the sub- 
joined sketch, 

* Theocritus, Idyll xxl. 1. 



[11] 



PREFACE 




accompanied by the following literary production, in which he 
poked fun at his favourite poet and devoted friend: 



" Nluv, fluv bluv, ffluv biours, 
Faith nunfaith kneer beekwl powers 
Unfaith naught zwant a faith in all." 



I give the following letters, which I have preserved and 
which are illustrative of Lear's peculiar epistolary style: 



[12] 



PREFACE 




Beneficial and bricklike Baking, — 

Thank you for your note. I will come to His Excellency 
to-morry. Meanwhile, please give him the accompanying 
Note & Book, which I hope he *& you & Strahan will like. 

Give my love to Strahan.* 

Xaipe . (pdifiou 
'0 Odoapdos Xuap 

Dear Baring— Toosdy. 

Disgustical to say, I must beg you to thank His Excel- 
lency from me, & to relate that I cannot come. I was en- 
gaged to dine with the De Verre's,t but am too unwell with 
awful cold in the head & eyes to go out at all. 

* Captain (subsequently Sir George) Strahan and myself were Aides- 
de-Camp to Sir Henry Storks, who, at the time these letters were written, 
was Lord High Commissioner of the Ionian Islands. 

t Major De Vere, Royal Engineers, was subsequently shot dead by 
one of his own men. 

[13] 



PREFACE 

I have sent for 2 large tablecloths to blow my nose on, 
having already used up all my handkerchiefs. And altogether 
I am so unfit for company that I propose getting into a bag 
and being hung up to a bough of a tree till this tyranny is 
overpast. Please give the serming I send to His Excellency. 

Yours sincerely, 

Edward Leak. 




[141 



PREFACE 




J I*- *fzA. *^ true*!*, KA~i*Jdt+f«. x 




Evelyn Baring, Royal Artillery, Aide-de-Camp. 
[15] 



PREFACE 







1 /^<^£ 





Dear Baring, — 

I ain't been out yet, but nevertheless will come to His Ex- 
cellency to-morrow evening — if snuffling & snorting & shiver- 
ing may be overlooked. If I had been out, I should have 
written my name at the Palace, which, as yet, I haven't had 
the possibility of doing as decent folk should. 

Did you ever see such a lot of brutal sno as is on Salva- 
[16] 



PREFACE 

dor?* Ain't it beastly. Generally speaking, I have been 
wrapped up like this all the week in a 




wholly abject and incapable state. . . . 

Will you like to read " Le Maudit " ? — 3 vols. 

Yours sincerely, 

Edw. Leak. 

* Saint Salvador is the name of the highest mountain in Corfu. 



[17] 



PREFACE 



J&* 




[18] 



PREFACE 




On one occasion, in conversation with Lear, one or other 
of us quoted the well-known lines in " Hudibras," in which 
allusion is made to " the learned Tabacotius " and the surgi- 
cal operation which is connected with his name. We were 
neither of us quite sure whether we had quoted the last lines 
correctly. On the following morning Lear sent me this let- 
ter: 

" Correction for the last lines of the quotation from 
Hewdybrass. 

1 But what the porter's life waned out 
Off dropt the sympathetic snout.' " 



[19] 



PREFACE 



<7 





[20] 



PREFACE 

15, Stratford Place., W. 
30 June, 1864. 
Dear Baring, — 

You see by the above that the Trunk has at last arrived: 
—and queer enough — it had never been opened ! so that every- 
one of my letters was just as it was, & every think else — from 
2 chocolate drops to an ounce of flea powder — was as it was 
before the fathers fell asleep. 

So, my dear boy, you are really off to-morrow! * I wish 
you heartily a pleasant trip, and shall much like to hear from 
you. Now don't get shot, & don't marry a squaw. You'd 
better take out " Viscount Kirkwall's " book to amuse you on 
the way. I meant to have got a portemonnaie or a cigar case 
to leave at 11, Berkeley Sqr. as a memorial of old Corfu days 
— but I fear I shan't have time now. But I shall hope to see 
you when you come back — before Septbr. is out — or earlier. 
For myself, I am all undecided as yet about winter plans. 

The Treasurer & Mrs. Boyd & Charlie were with me to- 
day, all flourishing. She is a kind-hearted woman. Boyd 
showed me xaloXepms letter which you told me of. 

You were a good boy to write. Some day we may all 
meet at Mollter. Goodbye. 

Yours sincerely, 

Edward Lear. 

When my eldest son was about three years old, his mother 
expressed a wish that he should acquire some knowledge of 
colour. Lear, with his usual kindness, at once sent twenty 
drawings of birds of various colours — including, of course, his 
favourites, the Scroobious and the Runcible birds. I had these 
bound in a book. They are reproduced in this work. 

* I was about to start for America to be a spectator for a short while of 
the great war then in course of progress. 

[21] 



PREFACE 

Many of the stories which Lear used to relate of his 
travels were extremely amusing. I give one of them. It may 
possibly have been already included in one of his published 
works, but, in any case, it will bear repetition. 

Some fifty years ago, Lord Palmerston, by reason of the 
support he afforded to constitutional forms of government, 
was extremely unpopular amongst all those, on the Continent 
of Europe, who favoured the continuance of autocratic rule. 
This unpopularity gave rise to the well-known couplet — I 
think of Viennese manufacture: — 

" Hat der Teufel einen Sohn 

So ist er sicher Palmerston." * 

Nowhere was he more unpopular than in the Kingdom of 
Naples, then ruled, or perhaps it would be more correct to say 
misruled, by Ferdinand II. (Bomba.) Lear was on one oc- 
casion sketching near a village in some remote part of Cala- 
bria. He was accosted by a gendarme, who requested him to 
show his passport. On seeing the signature of Palmerston at 
the bottom of the document, the gendarme thought that he 
had made an important capture. He arrested Lear and 
marched him into the village waving the passport which he 
carried in his hand, and shouting " Ho preso Palmerstone!" 
36, Wimpole Stbeet. 




""\ Cj& 



■* 4 



* " If the Devil had a son, 
Surely he'd be Palmerston. 
[22] 



EDITOR'S NOTE 

Afteh the publication of my book of " Letters of Edward 
Lear " to my aunt and uncle, Lady Waldegrave and Lord 
Carlingford, in November, 1907, Lord Cromer most kindly 
put at my disposal, if I chose to use it, the " Bird Book " now 
included in this volume. A third edition of the " Letters " 
being about to be published, about June, 1908, it suggested 
itself to me that a short preface from such an old friend of Mr. 
Lear's would be of great value, and I ventured to ask Lord 
Cromer if he would be so good as to write something of this 
nature. As time was pressing I mentioned the fact to him, 
and with his characteristic promptitude he wrote : " Sunday 
I will look out my material, Monday I will write my preface, 
and Tuesday you shall have it." And it came as promised, but 
in such a form, that I felt the sin of wasting it as an additional 
preface to my old book. 

So I at once resolved that Lord Cromer's delightful pref- 
ace and unique Bird Book, should be the foundation of the 
new Nonsense Book I had for a long time contemplated and 
now made possible by Lord Cromer's very generous contribu- 
tions. I myself had a few unpublished drawings originally 
belonging to my uncle; these have been most kindly supple- 
mented by the following old friends of Mr. Lear. Mrs. W. 
Vaughan (Miss Madge Symonds), a cousin of my husband's 
and wife of the present Head Master of Wellington College, 
has allowed me to publish a large store of nonsense drawings 
drawn mostly, I believe, for her eldest sister Janet, and pre- 
served with much care by their mother, Mrs. John Addington 
Symonds : — 

[23] 



EDITOR'S NOTE 

*' Lear dancing." 

" Mrs. Blue Dickey-bird." 

" High Diddle Diddle." 

" Sing a Song of Sixpence." 

Three unpublished illustrations for " The Owl and the 
Pussy Cat." 
Miss Lushington : — 

" Spots of Greece." 
The Earl of Northbrook:— 

" Mrs. Jaypher." 
The Revd. Canon Selwyn: — 

" Dingly Bank." 
Mr. Hubert Congreve: — 

" In Medio Tutorissimus Ibis." 
The Earl of Cromer:— 

" The Bird Book." 

" Beneath these high Cathedral Stairs." 
Mr. Henry Strachey: — 

Four lines of another version of " Mrs. Jaypher." 
To all the above my thanks are due for their help in this 
latest tribute to the immortal writer of the Books of Nonsense. 

Constance Strachey. 
Sutton Court, September, 1911. 

The new title, I would add, is taken from a letter of Lear 
to my uncle, in which he talks of " Queery Leary Nonsense," 
and my publishers and myself have thought it good to use 
Lear's own words. 



[24] 



LEAR'S INTRODUCTION TO MORE NONSENSE 
SONGS AND STORIES 

IN offering this little book — the third of its kind — to the 
public, I am glad to take the opportunity of recording 
the pleasure I have received at the appreciation its predeces- 
sors have met with, as attested by their wide circulation, and 
by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To 
have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thou- 
sands, may surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an 
excuse for grateful expression. 

At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words 
as to the history of the two previously published volumes, and 
more particularly of the first or original " Book of Nonsense," 
relating to which many absurd reports have crept into circula- 
tion, such as that it was the composition of the late Lord 
Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and 
pictures are by different persons; or that the whole have a 
symbolical meaning, etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes 
was composed by myself, and every one of the Illustrations 
drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were made. 
Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I 
ever allowed any caricature of private or public persons to 
appear, and throughout, more care than might be supposed has 
been given to make the subjects incapable of misinterpreta- 
tion: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, having been my aim 
throughout. 

As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of 
Derby being the author of the " First Book of Nonsense," I 
may relate an incident which occurred to me four summers 
ago, the first that gave me any insight into the origin of the 
rumour. 

[25] 



INTRODUCTION 

I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway 
carriage, containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly 
gentleman: presently, however, two ladies entered, accom- 
panied by two little boys. These, who had just had a copy of 
the " Book of Nonsense " given them, were loud in their de- 
light, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth. 
" How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, 
" all children, and parents too, ought to be to the statesman 
who has given his time to composing that charming book! " 

(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author.) 

" Do you know who is the writer of it? " asked the gentle- 
man. 

" The name is ' Edward Lear,' " said one of the ladies. 

"Ah! " said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that 
is only a whim of the real author, the Earl of Derby. ' Ed- 
ward ' is his Christian name, and, as you may see, Leab, is only 
Eael transposed." 

" But," said the lady, doubtingly, " here is a dedication to 
the great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of 
Edward, thirteenth Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward 
Lear." 

" That," replied the other, " is simply a piece of mystifica- 
tion; I am in a position to know that the whole book was com- 
posed and illustrated by Lord Derby himself. In fact, there is 
no such a person at all as Edward Lear." 

" Yet," said the other lady, " some friends of mine tell me 
they know Mr. Lear." 

"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake!" said the old 
gentleman, becoming rather angry at the contradiction; "I 
am well aware of what I am saying : I can inform you, no such 
a person as ' Edward Lear ' exists! " 

Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well 
as my handkerchief and stick, largely marked inside with my 
name, and as I happened to have in my pocket several letters 

[26] 



INTRODUCTION 

addressed to me, the temptation was too great to resist; so, 
flashing all these articles at once on my would-be extinguish- 
er's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence. 

The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the 
verses, " The Owl and the Pussy-Cat," was written at dif- 
ferent times, and for different sets of children : the whole being 
collected in the course of last year, were then illustrated, and 
published in a single volume, by Mr. R. J. Bush, of 32 Char- 
ing Cross. 

The contents of the third or present volume were made 
also at different intervals in the last two years. 

Long years ago, in days when much of my time was 
passed in a country house, where children and mirth abounded, 
the lines beginning, " There was an old man of Tobago," were 
suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse lending 
itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and thence- 
forth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for 
the first " Book of Nonsense " were struck off with a pen, no 
assistance ever having been given me in any way but that of 
uproarious delight and welcome at the appearance of every 
new absurdity. 

Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to 
lithographic stones in the year 1846, and were then first pub- 
lished by Mr. Thomas McLean, of the Haymarket. But that 
edition having been soon exhausted, and the call for the " Book 
of Nonsense " continuing, I added a considerable number of 
subjects to those previously published, and having caused the 
whole to be carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. 
Dalzell, I disposed of the copyright to Messrs. Routledge and 
Warne, by whom the volume was published in 1843. 

EDWARD LEAR. 
Villa Emily, San Remo, 
August, 1871. 

[27] 



THE BIRD BOOK 




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&& -fywtt^ ~jfrtf-cC 




'"%■ OrrZ^e, £?C<rw*J~Z3*? : vC~ 




QUEERY LEARY NONSENSE 




Mrs. Blue Dickey-bird, who went out a-walking with her six 
chickey -birds : she carried a parasol and wore a bonnet of green 
silk. 

The first little chickey bird had daisies growing out of his 
head and wore boots because of the dirt. 

The second little chickey bird wore a hat for fear it should 
rain. 

The third little chickey bird carried a jug of water. 

The fourth little chickey bird carried a muff, to keep her 
wings warm. 

The fifth little chickey bird was round as a ball. 

And the sixth little chickey bird walked on his head to save 
his feet. 

[33] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 









j^J^-. y^^J^v^-^**^- 



[34] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



<k 



© 




01 



VeMk)c 





sfe£^U4*l*6*+. 




'^L 



tMCs&tlseclS <*&*, ~*~!r ^^^^ 



g^^A 



[35] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 









Itfh&u. $e^y*4 fv-tts c^^i^-<^^y^zrzi^/ 




[36] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




/un/>,'& duistL a, </***t^ <£*?£ ^sst/ deA*£^tdzi, 



*? 




'M. fUw urns tr\ **S 'Cru*t£y lLrt*44. f C^UAi4*y <»**/- w /►tooAy, 



[37] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 











[38] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 








(U lUsdaJr ufsj** ^tbUr \<-Ju<J-tA ffh*eLtaA^. 

[39] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




=~& 




[40] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




These three illustrations for the well-known rhyme " The 
Owl and the Pussy Cat" by Lear have not been published 
before. 



[41] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




(Pcctttuutj- 






One evening after dinner when on a visit to Lady Walde- 
grave and Lord Carlingford at Chewton Priory, Lear drew 
the above parrot, a species of bird with which he was well ac- 
quainted, having illustrated the bird section of Lord Derby's 
" Knowsley Menagerie." After he had finished it Ward Bra- 
ham, Lady Waldegrave's brother, drew the caricature of bird 
and artist, reproduced on page 43, which amused Lear greatly. 
' [42] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




yiMo^rvc /tux. 



[43] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 







A caricature by Ward Braham, Lady Waldegrave's brother, 
of Edward Lear singing. 



[44] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Edward Lear's companion for years, and of which he made 
many ridiculous pictures. 



[45] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 










[Ger- woman loq. — Oh! I have my baby in the water dropped! 
and I think that it drowned will be. 

Ger-man loq. — That is natural: it is here so deep!! 
Little-paper, moral and proverbial nonsense-illustrate on.] 

Mr. Lear had a dislike of Germans, but it was accentuated by the hotel 
■which dominated and eventually ruined his beautiful Villa Emily at San 
Remo, having been built and run by that race. 

The above was probably drawn and sent off to his friend Fortescue at a 
moment when this fact was strong in his mind. 



[46] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



AT DINGLE BANK 

HE lived at Dingle Bank — he did; — 
He lived at Dingle bank; 
And in his garden was one Quail, 

Four tulips, and a Tank; 
And from his windows he could see 
The otion and the River Dee. 

His house stood on a Cliff, — it did, 

In aspic it was cool: 
And many thousand little boys 

Resorted to his school, 
Where if of progress they could boast 
He gave them heaps of buttered toast. 

But he grew rabid-wroth, he did, 

If they neglected books, 
And dragged them to adjacent cliffs 

With beastly Button Hooks, 
And there with fatuous glee he threw 
Them down into the otion blue. 

And in the sea they swam, they did, — 

All playfully about, 
And some eventually became 

Sponges, or speckled trout: — 
But Liverpool doth all bewail 
Their Fate; — likewise his Garden Quail. 



[47] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



- SPOTS OF GREECE 

PAPA once went to Greece, 
And there I understand 
He saw no end of lovely spots 

About that lovely land. 
He talks about these spots of Greece 

To both Mama and me 
Yet spots of Greece upon my dress 

They can't abear to see! 
I cannot make it out at all — 

If ever on my Frock 
They see the smallest Spot of Greece 

It gives them quite a shock! 
Henceforth, therefore, — to please them both 

These spots of Greece no more 
Shall be upon my frock at all — 

Nor on my Pinafore. 



EPITAPH 

Beneath these high Cathedral stairs 
Lie the remains of Susan Pares. 
Her name was Wiggs, it was not Pares, 
But Pares was put to rhyme with stairs." 



[48] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

THE YOUTHFUL COVE 

In medio Tutorissimus ibis. 
" Thou shalt 'walk in the midst of the Tutors/ 

ONCE on a time a youthful cove 
As was a cheery lad 
Lived in a villa hy the sea. — 
The cove was not so bad ; 

The dogs and cats, the cows and ass, 

The birds in cage or grove, 
The rabbits, hens, ducks, pony, pigs 

All loved that cheery lad. 

Seven folks — one female and six male, — 

Seized on that youthful cove; 
They said — " To edjukate this chap 

Us seven it doth behove." 

The first his parrient was, — who taught 

The cove to read and ride, 
Latin, and Grammarithemetic, 

And lots of things beside. 

Says Pa, " I'll spare no pains or time 

Your school hours so to cut, 
And square and fit, that you will make 

No end of progress — but — ," 

Says Mrs. Grey, — " I'll teach him French, 
Pour parler dans cette pays — 

Je cris, qu'il parlera bien, 

Meme comme un Francais — Mais — " 
[49] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Says Signor Gambinossi, — " Si; 

Progresso si fara, 
Lo voglio insegnare qui, 

La lingua mia, — ma," — 

Says Mr. Grump — " Geology, 

And Mathetics stiff 
I'll teach the cove, who's sure to go 

Ahead like blazes, — if — " 

Says James — " I'll teach him everyday 

My Nasties: now and then 
To stand upon his 'ed; and make 

His mussels harder, — when " — 

Says Signor Blanchi, — "Lascia far; — 

La musica da me, 
Ben insegnata qli sera; — 

Fara progresso, — Se — " 

Says Edmund Lear — *' I'll make him draw 

A Palace, or a hut, 
Trees, mountains, rivers, cities, plains, 

And p'rapps to paint them — but — " 

So all these 7 joined hands and sang 

This chorus by the sea; — 
"O! Ven his edjukation's done, 

By! Vot a cove he'll be!" 



[50] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



MRS. JAYPHER 

A Preface to a poem entitled " Mrs. Jaypher." Lear 
adds the stage direction that the verse is to he read " senten- 
tiously and with grave importance." 



MRS. JAYPHER found a wafer 
Which she struck upon a note; 
This she took and gave the cook. 
Then she went and bought a boat 
Which she paddled down the stream 
Shouting, " Ice produces cream, 
Beer when churned produces butter! 
Henceforth all the words I utter 
Distant ages thus shall note — 
' From the Jaypher Wisdom-Boat.' " 



A VERSE OF ANOTHER VERSION 

Mrs. Jaypher said its safer 
If you've lemons in your head 
First to eat a pound of meat 
And then to go at once to bed. 



[51] 



THE BOOK OF NONSENSE 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man with a nose, 
Who said, " If you choose to suppose 
That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" 
That remarkable Man 
with a nose. 




There was a Young Person of Smyrna, 
Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her; 
But she seized on the Cat, and said, " Granny, burn that ! 
You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!" 
[55] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man on a hill, 

Who seldom, if ever, stood still; 

He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, 

Which adorned that Old Man on a hill. 




There was an Old Person of Chili, 
Whose conduct was painful and silly; 
He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears, 
That imprudent Old Person of Chili. 
[56] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, 
Who never had more than a penny; 
He spent all that money in onions and honey, 
That wayward Old Man 
of Kilkenny. 




There was an Old Man with a gong, 
Who bumped at it all the day long; 
But they called out, " Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore! " 
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong. 
[57] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 





There was an Old Man of Columbia, 
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; 
But they brought it quite hot, in a small copper pot, 
Which disgusted that man of Columbia. 



ST^WS 




There was an Old Man in a tree, 

Who was horribly bored by a Bee ; 

When they said, " Does it buzz? " he replied, " Yes, it does! 

It's a regular brute of a Bee." 

[58] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Lady of Chertsey, 

Who made a remarkable curtsey ; 

She twirled round and round, till she sank underground, 

Which distressed all the people of Chertsey. 




There was a Young Lady whose chin 
Resembled the point of a pin; 
So she had it made sharp, and purchased a harp, 
And played several tunes with her chin. 
[59] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man with a flute, — 
A " sarpint " ran into his hoot! 
But he played day and night, 

till the " sarpint " took 
flight, 
And avoided that Man 

with a flute. 




There was a Young Lady of Portugal, 
Whose ideas were excessively nautical; 
She climhed up a tree to examine the sea, 
But declared she would never leave Portugal. 
[60] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Ischia, 

Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; 

He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, 

That lively old Person of Ischia. 




There was an Old Man of Vienna, 

Who lived upon Tincture of Senna; 

When that did not agree, he took Camomile Tea, 

That nasty Old Man of Vienna. 

[61] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man in a boat, 

Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" 

When they said, " No, you ain't! " he was ready to faint, 

That unhappy Old Man in a boat. 




There was an Old Person of Buda, 
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, 
Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor, 
By smashing that Person of Buda. 
[62] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Moldavia, 
Who had the most curious behaviour; 
For while he was able, he slept on a table, 
That funny Old Man 
of Moldavia. 




There was an Old Person of Hurst, 
Who drank when he was not athirst ; 

When they said, " You'll grow fatter! " he answered " What 
matter? " That globular Person of Hurst. 

[63] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Madras, 

Who rode on a cream-coloured Ass; 

But the length of its ears so promoted his fears, 

That it killed that Old Man of Madras. 




There was an Old Person of Dover, 
Who rushed through a field of blue clover; 
But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, 
So he very soon went back to Dover. 
[64] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Cadiz, 
Who was always polite to all ladies; 
But in handling his daughter, he fell into the water, 
Which drowned that Old 
Person of Cadiz. 




There was an Old Person of Leeds, 
Whose head was infested with beads; 
She sat on a stool and ate gooseberry-fool, 
Which agreed with that Person of Leeds. 
[65] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old 

Man of the Isles, .. 
Whose face was pervaded with smiles ; 
He sang " High dum diddle," and played on the fiddle, 
That amiable Man 
of the Isles. 




There was an Old Person of Basing, 
Whose presence of mind was amazing; 
He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed, 
And escaped from the people of Basing. 
[66] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man who supposed 

That the street door was partially closed; 

But some very large Rats ate his coats and his hats, 

While that futile Old Gentleman dozed. 




There was an Old Person whose habits 
Induced him to feed upon Rabbits; 
When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, 
Upon which he relinquished those habits. 
[67] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the West, 

Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest; 

When they said, " Does it fit? " he replied, "Not a hit! 

That uneasy Old Man of the West. 




There was an Old Man of Marseilles, 
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils ; 
They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish, 
And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. 
[68] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the Wrekin, 

Whose shoes made a horrible creaking; 

But they said, " Tell us whether your shoes are of leather, 

Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin? " 




There was a Young Lady whose nose 
Was so long that it reached to her toes ; 
So she hired an Old Lady, whose conduct was steady, 
To carry that wonderful nose. 
[69] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Apulia, 
Whose conduct was very peculiar ; 
He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, 
That whimsical Man of Apulia. 




There was an Old Man of Quebec, — 
A beetle ran over his neck; 

But he cried, " With a needle I'll slay you, O beadle! " 
That angry Old Man of Quebec. 
[70] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Norway, 

Who casually sat in a doorway; 

When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, " What of 

that? " 
This courageous Young Lady 
of Norway. 




There was a Young Lady of Bute, 
Who played on a silver-gilt flute ; 
She played several jigs to her Uncle's white Pigs: 
That amusing Young Lady of Bute. 
[71] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Philse, 

Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; 

He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm, 

And observed all the ruins of Philae. 




There was an Old Man with a poker, 
Who painted his face with red ochre. 
When they said, " You're a Guy ! " he made no reply, 
But knocked them all down with his poker. 
[72] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Peru, 

Who watched his wife making a stew; 

But once, by mistake, in a stove she did bake 

That unfortunate Man of Peru. 




There was an Old Person of Prague, 
Who was suddenly seized with the plague; 
But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, 
And cured that Old Person of Prague. 

[73] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the North, 

Who fell into a basin of broth; 

But a laudable cook fished him out with a hook, 

Which saved that Old Man of the North. 




' ja, -JL 



There was an Old Person of Troy, 
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy, 
Which he took with a spoon, by the light of the moon, 
In sight of the city of Troy. 
[74] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Melrose, 

Who walked on the tips of his toes ; 

But they said, " It ain't pleasant to see you at present, 

You stupid Old Man of Melrose." 




There was an Old Person of Tring, 

Who embellished his nose with a ring; 

He gazed at the moon every evening in June, 

That ecstatic Old Person of Tring. 

[75] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Mold, 

Who shrank from sensations of cold; 

So he purchased some muffs, some furs, and some fluffs, 

And wrapped himself well from the cold. 



[76] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the Nile, 

Who sharpened his nails with a file, 

Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, " This comes 

Of sharpening one's nails with a file! " 



[77] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Nepaul, 

From his horse had a terrible fall; 

But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue 

They mended that man of Nepaul. 




There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi, 
So blind that he couldn't his foot see; 
When they said, " That's your toe," he replied, " Is it so? " 
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi. 

[78] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Calcutta, 

Who perpetually ate bread and butter; 

Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, 

Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta. 




There was an Old Person of Rhodes, 
Who strongly objected to toads; 
He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, 
That futile Old Person of Rhodes. 
[79] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the South, 

Who had an immoderate mouth ; 

But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of Fish, 

He was choked, that Old Man of the South. 



[80] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the Dee, 

Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea; 

When he said, " I will scratch it! " they gave him a hatchet, 

Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee. 




There was a Young Lady of Lucca, 
Whose lovers completely forsook her; 
She ran up a tree, and said "Fiddle-de-dee!" 
Which embarrassed the people of Lucca. 
[81] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Coblenz, 

The length of whose legs was immense; 

He went with one prance from Turkey to France, 

That surprising Old Man of Coblenz. 




There was an Old Man of Bohemia, 
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia; 
But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, 
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia. 
[82] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Corfu, 

Who never knew what he should do ; 

So he rushed up and down, till the sun made him brown, 

That bewildered Old Man of Corfu. 




There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, 
Who studied the works of Vitruvius; 
When the flames burnt his book, to drinking he took, 
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius. 
[83] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Dundee, 

Who frequented the top of a tree; 

When disturbed by the Crows, he abruptly arose, 

And exclaimed, " I'll return to Dundee 1" 



[84] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Lady whose folly 
Induced her to sit in a holly; 
Whereon, by a thorn her dress being torn, 
She quickly became melancholy. 



[85] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man on some rocks, 

Who shut his Wife up in a box: 

When she said, " Let me out," he exclaimed, " Without doubt 

You will pass all your life in that box." 




There was an Old Person of Rheims, 
Who was troubled with horrible dreams; 
So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, 
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims. 



[86] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




gA 



There was an Old Man of Leghorn, 

The smallest that ever was born; 

But quickly snapt up he was once by a Puppy, 

Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn. 




There was an Old Man in a pew, 
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue; 
But he tore it in pieces, to give to his Nieces, 
That cheerful Old Man in a pew. 
[87] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Hull, 

Who was chased hy a virulent Bull; 

But she seized on a spade, and called out, " Who's afraid? " 

Which distracted that virulent Bull. 




There was an Old Person of Dutton, 
Whose head was as small as a button; 
So to make it look big he purchased a wig, 
And rapidly rushed about Dutton. 
[88] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Troy, 

Whom several large flies did annoy; 

Some she killed with a thump, some she drowned at the pump, 

And some she took with her to Troy. 




There was an Old Man who said, " How 
Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? 
I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile, 
Which may soften the heart of that Cow." 
[89] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Bangor, 
Whose face was distorted with anger; 
He tore off his boots, and subsisted on roots, 
That borascible Person of Bangor. 





There was an Old Man who said, " Hush! 
I perceive a young bird in this bush! " 
When they said, " Is it small? " he replied, " Not at all; 
It is four times as big as the bush! " 
[90] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Russia, 

Who screamed so that no one could hush her; 

Her screams were extreme, — no one heard such a scream 

As was screamed by that Lady of Russia. 




There was a Young Lady of Tyre, 
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre; 
At the sound of each sweep she enraptured the deep, 
And enchanted the city of Tyre. 
[91] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Jamaica, 

Who suddenly married a Quaker; 

But she cried out, " Oh, lack! I have married a black! " 

Which distressed that Old Man of Jamaica. 




There was an Old Man of the East, 
Who gave all his children a feast ; 
But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such 
That it killed that Old Man of the East. 
[92] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the Coast, 
Who placidly sat on a post; 
But when it was cold he relinquished his hold, 
And called for some hot buttered toast. 




There was an Old Man of Kamschatka, 
Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur; 
His gait and his waddle were held as a model 
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. 
[93] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Gretna, 

Who rushed down the crater of Etna; 

When they said, " Is it hot? " he replied, " No, it's not! " 

That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. 




There was an Old Person of Tartary, 
Who divided his jugular artery; 

But he screeched to his Wife, and she said, " Oh, my life! 
Your death will be felt by all Tartary! " 
[94] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Berlin, 

Whose form was uncommonly thin; 

Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, 

So they baked that Old Man of Berlin. 




There was an Old Man of the West, 
Who never could get any rest; 
So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, 
Which cured that Old Man of the West. 
[95] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Cheadle 

Was put in the stocks by the Beadle 

For stealing some pigs, some coats, and some wigs, 

That horrible person of Cheadle. 




There was an Old Person of Anerley, 
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly; 
He rushed down the Strand with a Pig in each hand, 
But returned in the evening to Anerley. 
[96] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, 

Who danced a quadrille with a Raven ; 

But they said, " It's absurd to encourage this bird! 

So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. 



[97] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Wales, 

Who caught a large Fish without scales; 

When she lifted her hook, she exclaimed, " Only look! " 

That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales. 



[98] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man with a beard, 

Who sat on a Horse when he reared; 

But they said, " Never mind! you will fall off behind, 

You propitious Old Man with a beard! " 



[99] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Welling, 

Whose praise all the world was a-telling; 

She played on the harp, and caught several Carp, 

That accomplished Young Lady of Welling. 



[100] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Sweden, 
Who went by the slow train to Weedon; 
When they cried, "Weedon Station!" she made no observa- 
tion, 
But thought she should go back to Sweden. 

o 





There was an Old Person of Chester, 
Whom several small children did pester; 
They threw some large stones, which broke most of his bones, 
And displeased that Old Person of Chester. 

[101] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of the Cape, 

Who possessed a large Barbary Ape; 

Till the Ape, one dark night, set the house all alight, 

Which burned that Old Man of the Cape. 



[102] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Burton, 

Whose answers were rather uncertain; 

When they said, " How d'ye do? " he replied, " Who are 

you?" 
That distressing Old Person of Burton. 



[103] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Ems 

Who casually fell in the Thames; 

And when he was found, they said he was drowned, 

That unlucky Old Person of Ems. 




There was an Old Lady of Prague, 

Whose language was horribly vague; 

When they said, " Are these caps? " she answered, " Perhaps 1 " 

That oracular Lady of Prague. 

[ 104 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Poole, 
Whose soup was excessively cool; 
So she put it to hoil by the aid of some oil, 
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole. 




There was a Young Girl of Majorca, 
Whose Aunt was a very fast walker; 
She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles, 
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca. 
[105] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Parma, 

Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer; 

When they said, " Are you dumb? " she merely said, " Hum! " 

That provoking Young Lady of Parma. 




There was an Old Person of Sparta, 
Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter;" 
He fed them on Snails, and weighed them in scales, 
That wonderful Person of Sparta. 
[106] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




jM^/j&^//^?^?rs/ss/7/i &yv 



There was a Young Lady of Turkey, 

Who wept when the weather was murky; 

When the day turned out fine, she ceased to repine, 

That capricious Young Lady of Turkey. 



[107] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man on 

whose nose 
Most birds of the 

air could repose; 
But they all flew away at the closing of day, 
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose. 




There was an Old Man of Aosta 
Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; 
But they said, " Don't you see she has run up a tree, 
You invidious Old Man of Aosta?" 
[108] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Person of Crete, 

Whose toilette was far from complete; 

She dressed in a sack spickle-speckled with black, 

That ombliferous Person of Crete. 



[109] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Clare, 

Who was madly pursued by a Bear; 

When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired, 

That unfortunate Lady of Clare. 




There was a Young Lady of Dorking, 
Who bought a large bonnet for walking; 
But its color and size so bedazzled her eyes, 
That she very soon went back to Dorking. 
[110] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, 
Who wished he had never heen born; 
So he sat on a Chair till he died of despair, 
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn. 



[Ill] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Cromer, 

Who stood on one leg to read Homer; 

When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff, 

Which concluded that Person of Cromer. 



[112] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 





There was an Old Man of the Hague, 
Whose ideas were excessively vague; 
He built a balloon to examine the moon, 
That deluded Old Man of the Hague. 



[113] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Spain, 
Who hated all trouble and pain; 
So he sate on a chair with his feet in the air, 
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain. 



[114] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man who said, "Well! 

Will nobody answer this bell? 

I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white, 

But nobody answers this bell!" 



[115] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man with an Owl, 
Who continued to bother and howl; 
He sat on a rail, and imbibed bitter ale, 
Which refreshed that Old Man and his Owl. 



[116] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man in a casement, 

Who held up his hands in amazement ; 

When they said, " Sir, you'll fall! " he replied, " Not at all! " 

That incipient Old Man in a casement. 



[117] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Person of Ewell, 

Who chiefly subsisted on gruel; 

But to make it more nice, he inserted some Mice, 

Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell. 



[118] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man of Peru, 

Who never knew what he should do ; 

So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, 

That intrinsic Old Man of Peru. 



[119] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a Young Lady of Hyde, 

Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied; 

She purchased some clogs, and some small spotty Dogs, 

And frequently walked about Ryde. 



There was a Young Lady whose eyes 
Were unique as to color and size; 
When she opened them wide, people all turned aside, 
And started away in surprise. 
[ 120 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man with a beard, 
Who said, "It is just as I feared! — 
Two Owls and a Hen, four larks and a Wren, 
Have all built their nests in my beard." 




There was a Young Lady whose bonnet 
Came untied when the birds sate upon it; 
But she said, " I don't care! all the birds in the air 
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet ! " 
[121] 



NONSENSE SONGS AND STORIES 



THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT 



THE Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea 
In a beautiful pea-green boat: 
They took some honey, and plenty of money 

Wrapped up in a five-pound note. 
The Owl looked up to the stars above, 
And sang to a small guitar, 
" O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love, 
What a beautiful Pussy you are, 
You are, 
You are! 
What a beautiful Pussy you are! " 




ii 



Pussy said to the Owl, " You elegant fowl, 
How charmingly sweet you sing! 

Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried: 
But what shall we do for a ring? " 
[125] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

They sailed away, for a year and a day, 
To the land where the hong-tree grows; 

And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, 
With a ring at the end of his nose, 




His nose, 
His nose, 
IWith a ring at the end of his nose. 




[126] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

in 
" Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling 

Your ring? " Said the Piggy, " I will." 
So they took it away, and were married next day 

By the Turkey who lives on the hill. 
They dined on mince and slices of quince, 
Which they ate with a runcible spoon; 
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand 
They danced by the light of the moon, 
The moon, 
The moon, 
They danced by the light of the moon. 

THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO 

i 

SAID the Duck to the Kangaroo, 
" Good gracious ! how you hop 
Over the fields, and the water too, 

As if you never would stop ! 
My life is a bore in this nasty pond; 
And I long to go out in the world beyond: 
I wish I could hop like you," 
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. 




[ 127 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

ii 
" Please give me a ride on your back," 

Said the Duck to the Kangaroo: 
" I would sit quite still, and say nothing but ' Quack/ 

The whole of the long day through; 
And we'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, 
Over the land, and over the sea: 

Please take me a ride! oh, do! " 

Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. 




in 
Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, 
" This requires some little reflection. 
Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck: 

And there seems but one objection; 
Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, 
Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, 

And would probably give me the roo — 

Matiz," said the Kangaroo. 

rv 
Said the Duck, " As I sate on the rocks, 
I have thought over that completely; 
[ 128 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

And I bought four pairs of worsted socks, 
Which fit my web-feet neatly; 




And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak; 
And every day a cigar I'll smoke; 

All to follow my own dear true 

Love of a Kangaroo." 




[129] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

v 
Said the Kangaroo, " I'm ready, 

All in the moonlight pale; 
But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady, 

And quite at the end of my tail." 

So away they went with a hop and a bound ; 

And they hopped the whole world three times round. 

And who so happy, oh ! who, 

As the Duck and the Kangaroo? 




THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY 



ONCE Mr. Daddy Long-Legs, 
Dressed in brown and gray, 
Walked about upon the sands 

Upon a summer's day: 
And there among the pebbles, 
When the wind was rather cold, 
[130] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

He met with Mr. Floppy Fly, 
All dressed in blue and gold; 
And, as it was too soon to dine, 
They drank some periwinkle-wine, 
And played an hour or two, or more, 
At battlecock and shuttledore. 

ii 
Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs 

To Mr. Floppy Fly, 
" Why do you never come to court? 

I wish you'd tell me why. 
All gold and shine, in dress so fine, 

You'd quite delight the court. 
Why do you never go at all? 

I really think you ought. 
And, if you went, you'd see such sights! 
Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights! 
And, more than all, the king and queen, — - 
One in red, and one in green." 

in 
" O Mr. Daddy Long-legs ! " 

Said Mr. Floppy Fly, 
" It's true I never go to court ; 

And I will tell you why. 
If I had six long legs like yours, 

At once I'd go to court; 
But, oh! I can't, because my legs 

Are so extremely short. 
And I'm afraid the king and queen 
(One in red, and one in green) 
Would say aloud, ' You are not fit, 
You Fly, to come to court a bit ! ' 
[131] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

IV 

"Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" 

Said Mr. Floppy Fly, 
" I wish you'd sing one little song, 

One mumbian melody. 
You used to sing so awful well 

In former days gone by; 
But now you never sing at all: 

I wish you'd tell me why: 
For, if you would, the silvery sound 
Would please the shrimps and cockles round, 
And all the crabs would gladly come 
To hear you sing, ' Ah, Hum di Hum! ' " 

v 
Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs, 

"I can never sing again; 
And, if you wish, I'll tell you why, 

Although it gives me pain. 
For years I cannot hum a bit, 

Or sing the smallest song; 
And this the dreadful reason is, — 

My legs are grown too long! 
My six long legs, all here and there, 
Oppress my bosom with despair; 
And, if I stand or lie or sit, 
I cannot sing one single bit ! " 

VI 

So Mr. Daddy Long-legs 

And Mr. Floppy Fly 
Sat down in silence by the sea, 

And gazed upon the sky. 
[ 132 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

They said, " This is a dreadful thing! 

The world has all gone wrong, 
Since one has legs too short by half, 

The other much too long. 
One never more can go to court, 
Because his legs have grown too short; 
The other cannot sing a song, 
Because his legs have grown too long! " 



VII 

Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs 

And Mr. Floppy Fly 
Rushed downward to the foamy sea 

With one sponge-taneous cry: 
And there they found a little boat, 

Whose sails were pink and grey; 
And off they sailed among the waves, 

Far and far away: 
They sailed across the silent main, 
And reached the great Gromboolian Plain; 
And there they play forevermore 
At battlecock and shuttledore. 




[133] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

THE JUMBLIES 

i 

THEY went to sea in a sieve, they did; 
In a sieve they went to sea: 
In spite of all their friends could say, 
On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, 

In a sieve they went to sea. 
And when the sieve turned round and round, 
And every one cried, " You'll all be drowned! " 
They called aloud, " Our sieve ain't big; 
But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig: 
In a sieve we'll go to sea! " 
Far and few, far and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live: 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; 
And they went to sea in a sieve. 




n 
They sailed away in a sieve, they did, 
In a sieve they sailed so fast, 

[134] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

With only a beautiful pea-green veil 
Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail, 

To a small tobacco-pipe mast. 
And every one said who saw them go, 
" Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know? 
For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long; 
And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong 
In a sieve to sail so fast." 

Far and few, far and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live: 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue ; 
And they went to sea in a sieve. 

in 
The water it soon came in, it did; 

The water it soon came in: 
So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet 
In a pinky paper all folded neat; 

And they fastened it down with a pin. 
And they passed the night in a crockery-jar; 
And each of them said, " How wise we are! 
Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, 
Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong, 
While round in our sieve we spin." 
Far and few, far and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live: 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; 
And they went to sea in a sieve. 

rv 
And all night long they sailed away; 

And when the sun went down, 
They whistled and warbled a moony song 

[135] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, 

In the shade of the mountains brown. 
" O Timballool How happy we are 
When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! 
And all night long, in the moonlight pale, 
We sail away with a pea-green sail 
In the shade of the mountains brown." 
Far and few, far and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live: 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue ; 
And they went to sea in a sieve. 

v 
They sailed to the Western Sea, they did, — 

To a land all covered with trees: 
And they bought an owl, and a useful cart, 
And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, 

And a hive of silvery bees; 
And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws, 
And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, 
And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, 
And no end of Stilton cheese. 
Far and few, far and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live: 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue ; 
And they went to sea in a sieve. 

VI 

And in twenty years they all came back, — 

In twenty years or more; 
And every one said, " How tall they've grown! 
For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, 

And the hills of the Chankly Bore." *■ 
And they drank their health, and gave them a feast 

[136] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; 
And every one said, " If we only live, 
We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, 
To the hills of the Chankly Bore." 
Ear and few, far and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live: 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; 
And they went to sea in a sieve. 

THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS 

i 

THE Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table; 
The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side ; 
And the Nutcrackers said, " Don't you wish we were able 

Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride? 
Must we drag on this stupid existence forever, 

So idle and weary, so full of remorse, 
While every one else takes his pleasure, and never 
Seems happy unless he is riding a horse ? 




ii 
" Don't you think we could ride without being instructed, 

Without any saddle or bridle or spur? 
Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed, 

I'm sure that an accident could not occur. 
Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table, 
And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse! 
[137] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able? " 
The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, " Of course!" 

in * 

So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute ; 

The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said " Crack! " 
The stable was open; the horses were in it: 

Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back. 
The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway; 

The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay; 
The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway, 

Screamed out, " They are taking the horses away! " 

IV 

The whole of the household was filled with amazement: 

The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about; 

The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement; 

The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout; 
The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice ; 

The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies; 
The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties, 

And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise. 

v 
The Frying-pan said, " It's an awful delusion! " 

The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face; 
And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion 

To see the great Nutcracker- Sugar- tong race. 
And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter 

(Their ponies were cream-coloured, speckled with brown), 
The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after, 

Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town. 

VI 

They rode through the street, and they rode by the station; 
They galloped away to the beautiful shore; 
[138] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

In silence they rode, and " made no observation," 
Save this: " We will never go back any more! " 

And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing, 
The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say " Crack! 

Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing, 
They faded away; and they never came back! 

CALICO PIE 

i 

CALICO pie, 
The little birds fly 
Down to the calico-tree: 
Their wings were blue, 
And they sang " Tilly-loo! " 
Till away they flew; 

And they never came back to me I 
/■- 




[139] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

They never came back, 
They never came back, 
They never came back to me! 



n 
Calico jam, 
The little Fish swam 
Over the Syllabub Sea. 
He took off his hat 
To the Sole and the Sprat, 
And the Willeby-wat: 




But he never came back to me; 

He never came back, 

He never came back, 
He never came back to me, 

in 
Calico ban, 
The little Mice ran 
To be ready in time for tea; 
Flippity flup, 
They drank it all up, 
[ 140 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

And danced in the cup: 
But they never came back to me ; 

They never came back, 

They never came back, 
They never came back to me. 




IV 

Calico drum, 
The Grasshoppers come, 
The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee, 
Over the ground, 
Around and round, 
With a hop and a bound; 




But they never came back, 
They never came back, 
They never came back, 

They never came back to me. 
[141] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW 

i 

IN a little piece of wood 
Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood: 
Mrs. Sparrow sate close by, 
A-making of an insect-pie 
For her little children five, 
In the nest and all alive; 
Singing with a cheerful smile, 
To amuse them all the while, 

"Twikky wikky wikky wee, 
Wikky bikky twikky tee, 
Spikky bikky bee!" 



ii 
Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said, 
"Spikky, darling! in my head 
Many thoughts of trouble come, 
Like to flies upon a plum. 
All last night, among the trees, 
I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze; 
And thought I, ' It's come to that 
Because he does not wear a hat ! ' 
[142] 



.THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Chippy wippy sikky tee, 

Bikky wikky tikky mee, 

Spikky chippy wee! 

in 

"Not that you are growing old; 

But the nights are growing cold. 

No one stays out all night long 

Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong! " 

Mr. Spikky said, " How kind, 

Dear, you are, to speak your mind! 

All your life I wish you luck! 

You are, you are, a lovely duck! 
Witchy witchy witchy wee, 
Twitchy witchy witchy bee, 
Tikky tikky tee! 

rv 
" I was also sad, and thinking, 
When one day I saw you winking, 
And I heard you sniffle-snuffle, 
And I saw your feathers ruffle: 
To myself I sadly said, 
' She's neuralgia in her head! 
That dear head has nothing on it! 
Ought she not to wear a bonnet? ' 

Witchy kitchy kitchy wee, 

Spikky wikky mikky bee, 
Chippy wippy chee! 



" Let us both fly up to town: 
There I'll buy you such a gown! 

[143] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Which, completely in the fashion, 
You shall tie a sky-blue sash on ; 
And a pair of slippers neat 
To fit your, darling little feet, 
So that you will look and feel 
Quite galloobious and genteel. 

Jikky wikky bikky see, 

Chicky bikky wikky bee, 
Twicky witchy wee ! " 




VI 

So they both to London went, 
Alighting on the Monument; 
Whence they flew down swiftly — pop! 
Into Moses' wholesale shop: 
There they bought a hat and bonnet, 
And a gown with spots upon it, 
A satin sash of Cloxam blue, 
And a pair of slippers too. 

Zikky wikky mikky bee, 
Witchy witchy mitchy kee, 
Sikky tikky weel 

VII 

Then, when so completely dressed, 
Back they flew, and reached their nest. 
[144] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Their children cried, " O ma and pa! 
How truly beautiful you are ! " 
Said the)' - , " We trust that cold or pain 
We shall never feel again; 
While, perched on tree or house or steeple, 
We now shall look like other people. 
Withcy witchy witchy wee, 
Twikky mikky bikky bee, 
Zikky sikky tee! " 




THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER AND 
THE TONGS 

i 

THE Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs, 
They all took a drive in the Park; 
And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! 

Before they went back in the dark. 
Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach; 

Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash; 
Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch) ; 
Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). 
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! 
And they all sang a song. 
[145] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



ii 
" O Shovely so lovely! " the Poker he sang, 

" You have perfectly conquered my heart. 
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song, 

I will feed you with cold apple-tart. 
When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound, 

You enrapture my life with delight, 
Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round, 
And your shape is so slender and bright ! 
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong ! 
Ain't you pleased with my song? " 



£&2£ 




in 
" Alas ! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song, 

" Oh ! is it because I'm so thin, 
And my legs are so long, — ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong !- 

That you don't care about me a pin? 
Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room, 

Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? 
Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom, 
Because you are covered with paint? 
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! 
You are certainly wrong." 
[146] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

IV 

Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang, 

" What nonsense you 're singing to-day! " 
Said the Shovel, " I '11 certainly hit you a bang! " 

Said the Broom, " And I '11 sweep you away! " 
So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could, 

Perceiving their anger with pain; 
But they put on the kettle, and little by little 

They all became happy again. 
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong ! 
There's an end of my song. 




THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR 



SAID the Table to the Chair, 
" You can hardly be aware 
How I suffer from the heat 
And from chilblains on my feet. 
If we took a little walk, 
We might have a little talk; 
Pray let us take the air," 
Said the Table to the Chair. 

ii 
Said the Chair unto the Table, 
"Now, you know we are not able: 
How foolishly you talk, 
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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

When you know we cannot walk!'* 
Said the Table with a sigh, 
"It can do no harm to try. 
I've as many legs as you : 
Why can't we walk on two? '" 

in 
So they both went slowly down, 
And walked about the town 
With a cheerful bumpy sound 
As they toddled round and round; 
And everybody cried, 
As they hastened to their side, 
" Seel the Table and the Chair 
Have come out to take the air! " 

IV 

But in going down an alley, 
To a castle in a valley, 
They completely lost their way, 
And wandered all the day; 
Till, to see them safely back, 
They paid a Ducky-quack, 
And a Beetle, and a Mouse, 
Who took them to their house. 

v 
Then they whispered to each other, 
" O delightful little brother, 
What a lovely walk we've taken ! 
Let us dine on beans and bacon." 
So the Ducky and the leetle 
Browny-Mousy and the Beetle 
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Dined, and danced upon their heads 
Till they toddled to their beds. 




THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN 
WHO WENT AROUND THE WORLD 



o 



NCE upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little 
people whose names were 




VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL; 

and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they 
bought a large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and 
then they were to come back on the other side by land. The 
boat was painted blue with green spots, and the sail was yellow 
with red stripes : and, when they set off, they only took a small 

[149] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly Quangle- 
Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for 
which purposes they took a large kettle. 




For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found 
plenty to eat, as there were lots of fish; and they had only to 
take them out of the sea with a long spoon, when the Quangle- 
Wangle instantly cooked them; and the Pussy-Cat was fed 
with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased, on the 
whole : so that all the party were very happy. 




During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in 
putting salt water into a churn; while her three brothers 

[150] 



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churned it violently, in the hope that it would turn into butter, 
which it seldom if ever did ; and in the evening they all retired 
into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to sleep very com- 
fortably, while Pussy and the Quangle- Wangle managed the 
boat. 




After a time, they saw some land at a distance ; and, when 
they came to it, they found it was an island made of water quite 
surrounded by earth. Besides that, it was bordered by evanes- 
cent isthmuses, with a great gulf-stream running about all over 
it ; so that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single 
tree, 503 feet high. 

When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to 
their great surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets 
and chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up 
the single high tree to discover, if possible, if there were any 
people ; but having remained on the top of the tree for a week, 
and not seeing anybody, they naturally concluded that there 
were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when they came down, 
they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a mil- 
lion of chocolate-drops ; and these afforded them sustenance for 

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more than a month, during 
which time they pursued their 
voyage with the utmost delight 
and apathy. 

After this they came to a 
shore where there were no less 
than sixty-five great red par- 
rots with blue tails, sitting on 
a rail all of a row, and all fast 
asleep. And I am sorry to 
say that the Pussy-Cat and the 
Quangle-Wangle crept softly, 
and bit off the tail-feathers of 
all the sixty-five parrots; for 
which Violet reproved them 
both severely. 

Notwithstanding which, she 
proceeded to insert all the 
feathers — two hundred and 
sixty in number — in her bon- 
net; thereby causing it to have 
a lovely and glittering appear- 
ance; highly prepossessing and 
efficacious. 

The next thing that hap- 
pened to them was in a narrow 
part of the sea, which was so 
entirely full of fishes that the 
boat could go on no farther: 
so they remained there about 
six weeks, till they had eaten 
nearly all the fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, 
and covered with shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble 

[152] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

whatever. And as the few fishes who remained uneaten 
complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty they 




had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made 
hy the arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented 




w 



the neighbourhood in great numbers, Violet most amiably 
knitted a small woollen frock for several of the fishes, and 
Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them; through 
which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly. 

[153] 



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Then they came to a country which was wholly covered 
with immense orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. 
So they all landed, taking with them the tea-kettle, intending 
to gather some of the oranges, and place them in it. But, 
while they were, busy about this, a most dreadfully high wind 




rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers from Violet's 
bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calam- 

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ity of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and 
millions, which thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped 
them all so seriously, that they were obliged to run as hard as 
they could for their lives ; besides that the sound of the oranges 
rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and amazing 
nature. 

Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although consid- 
erably vexed and hurt; and the Quangle- Wangle's right foot 
was so knocked about, that he had to sit with his head in his 
slipper for at least a week. 




This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: 
and perhaps they might never have become less so, had not 
Lionel, with a most praiseworthy devotion and perseverance, 
continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to them in a loud and 




lively manner; which diverted the whole party so extremely 
that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that 

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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe to- 
wards a testimonial to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread 
and raspberries, as an earnest token of their sincere and grate- 
ful infection. 

After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came 
to another country, where they were much pleased and sur- 
prised to see a countless multitude of white Mice with red eyes, 
all sitting in a great circle, slowly eating custard-pudding with 
the most satisfactory and polite demeanour. 




And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired 
of eating nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, 
they held a council as to the propriety of asking the Mice for 
some of their pudding in a humble and affecting manner, by 
which they could hardly be otherwise than gratified. It was 
agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice, which 
he immediately did ; and the result was, that they gave a walnut- 
shell only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this 
displeased Guy, who said, " Out of such a lot of pudding as you 




have got, I must say, you might have spared a somewhat larger 
quantity." But no sooner had he finished speaking than the 

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Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an appalling 
and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more 
scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the sim- 
ultaneous sneezing of many millions of angry Mice) ; so that 
Guy rushed back to the boat, having first shied his cap into the 
middle of the custard-pudding, by which means he completely 
spoiled the Mice's dinner. 

By and by the four children came to a country where there 
were no houses, but only an incredibly innumerable number of 
large bottles without corks, and of a dazzling and sweetly sus- 
ceptible blue colour. Each of these blue bottles contained a 
Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live con- 
tinually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor 
perhaps in many parts of the world is such perfect and abject 
happiness to be found. Violet and Slingsby and Guy and 
Lionel were greatly struck with this singular and instructive 
settlement; and, having previously asked permission of the 
Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted), the 
boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea 
in front of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they 




merely placed some pebbles in the hot water ; and the Quangle- 
Wangle played some tunes over it on an accordion, by which, 
of course, tea was made directly, and of the very best quality. 

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The four children then entered into conversation with the 
Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel man- 
ner, though with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the 
fact that they each held a small clothes-brush between their 
teeth, which naturally occasioned a fizzy, extraneous utterance. 

" Why," said Violet, " would you kindly inform us, do you 
reside in bottles; and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in 
green or purple, or, indeed, in yellow bottles? " 

To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, 
" We found the bottles here all ready to live in ; that is to say, 
our great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers did: so we oc- 
cupied them at once. And, when the winter comes on, we turn 
the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely feel the cold 
at all ; and you know very well that this could not be the case 
with bottles of any other colour than blue." 

"Of course it could not," said Slingsby. " But, if we may 
take the liberty of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist? " 

"Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; 
" and, when these are scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian 
leather boiled down to a jelly." 

" How delicious ! " said Guy. 

To which Lionel added, " Huzz ! " And all the Blue- 
Bottle-Flies said, " Buzz! " 

At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the 
evening-song to be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the 
Blue-Bottle-Flies began to buzz at once in a sumptuous and 
sonorous manner, the melodious and mucilaginous sounds echo- 
ing all over the waters, and resounding across the tumultuous 
tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant 
mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the 
truly virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the 
star-bespangled sky, while her light irrigated the smooth and 
shiny sides and wings and backs of the Blue-Bottle-Flies with 

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a peculiar and trivial splendour, while all Nature cheerfully re- 
sponded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances. 

In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked 
back to that evening as one of the happiest in all their lives ; and 
it was already past midnight when — the sail of the boat having 
been set up by the Quangle- Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn 
placed in their respective positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed 
at the helm — the children each took a last and affectionate fare- 
well of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down in a body to 
the water's edge to see the travellers embark. 

As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a 
courtesy quite down to the ground, and stuck one of her few re- 




maining parrot-tail feathers into the back hair of the most 
pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while Slingsby, Guy, and 
Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing, respectively, 
black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts ; and thus they left that 
happy shore forever. 

Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers in- 
stantly jumped into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But 
all along the shore, for many hours, there was distinctly heard 
a sound of severely-suppressed sobs, and of a vague multitude 
of living creatures using their pocket-handkerchiefs in a sub- 

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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

dued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly along the walloping 
waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from the Land 
of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies. 

Nothing particular occurred for some days after these 
events, except that, as the travellers were passing a low tract 
of sand, they perceived an unusual and gratifying spectacle; 
namely, a large number of Crabs and Crawfish — perhaps six 
or seven hundred — sitting by the water-side, and endeavouring 
to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they 
moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water 
and white-wine negus. 

" Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies? " 
said the four children. 

" Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. " We 
are trying to make some worsted mittens, but do not know 
how." 

On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the 
art of mitten-making, said to the Crabs, " Do your claws un- 
screw, or are they fixtures? " 

" They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs ; and 
forthwith they deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, 
with which Violet uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then 
made the loveliest mittens with it you can imagine. These the 
Crabs, having resumed and screwed on their claws, placed 
cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly on their 
hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor 
key. 

After this, the four little people sailed on again till they 
came to a vast and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on 
which nothing whatever could be discovered at first ; but, as the 
travellers walked onward, there appeared in the extreme and 
dim distance a single object, which on a nearer approach, and 
on an accurately cutaneous inspection seemed to be somebody 

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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge- 
cakes and oyster-shells. " It does not quite look like a human 
being," said Violet doubtfully; nor could they make out what 
it really was, till the Quangle- Wangle (who had previously 
been round the world) exclaimed softly in a loud voice, "It is 
the co-operative Cauliflower! " 




And so, in truth, it was : and they soon found that what they 
had taken for an immense wig was in reality the top of the 
Cauliflower ; and that he had no feet at all, being able to walk 
tolerably well with a fluctuating and graceful movement on a 
single cabbage-stalk, — an accomplishment which naturally 
saved him the expense of stockings and shoes. 

Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing 
at him with mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, 




and, in a somewhat plumdomphious manner, hurried off to- 
wards the setting sun, — his steps supported by two superincum- 

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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

bent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number of Water- 
wagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in 
a row, — till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western 
sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific sand. 

So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four chil- 
dren very deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat 
with a strong sense of undeveloped asthma and a great appe- 
tite. 

Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail di- 
rectly below some high overhanging rocks, from the top of one 
of which a particularly odious little boy, dressed in rose-coloured 
knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate upon his head, threw 
an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was instantly 
upset. 




But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the 
partly knew how to swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred 
swimming about till after the moon rose; when, the water grow- 
ing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered the boat. Meanwhile 
the Quangle- Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense 
force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in 
rose-coloured knickerbockers was sitting ; when, being quite full 

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of lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into 
a thousand bits; whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the 
odious little boy became unpleasantly hotter and hotter and 
hotter, till his knickerbockers were turned quite green, and 
his nose was burnt off. 

Two or three days after this had happened, they came to 
another place, where they found nothing at all except some 
wide and deep pits full of mulberry- jam. This is the property 
of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who abound in these districts, 
and who store up the mulberry- jam for their food in winter, 
when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve 
it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over 
that part of the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes 
was on the spot, and he was fast asleep ; yet the four travellers 
and the Quangle- Wangle and Pussy were so terrified by the 
violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they merely 
took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in 
their boat without delay. 

What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the 
churn and the tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze 




Pyder, an aquatic and ferocious creature truly dreadful to be- 
hold, and, happily, only met with in those excessive longitudes 1 
In a moment, the 1 diutiful boat was bitten into fifty-five thou- 
sand million hundred billion bits ; and it instantly became quite 

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clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer 
preliminate their voyage by sea. 

The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on 
pursuing their wanderings by land : and, very fortunately, there 
happened to pass by at that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on 
which they seized; and, all four mounting on his back, — the 
Quangle- Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding on bj his 




ears, and the Pussy- Cat swinging at the end of his tail, — they 
set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of 
mashed potatoes to last through their whole journey. 

They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens 
and turkeys and other birds who incessantly alighted on the 
head of the Rhinoceros for the purpose of gathering the seeds 
of the rhododendron-plants which grew there; and these crea- 
tures they cooked in the most translucent and satisfactory man- 
ner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the Rhinoceros's 
back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accom- 
panied them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so 
that they were never at a loss for company, and went onward, 
as it were, in a sort of profuse and triumphant procession. 

Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at 
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home, where they were received hy their admiring relatives with 
joy tempered with contempt, and where they finally resolved 
to carry out the rest of their travelling-plans at some more fa- 
vourable opportunity. 

As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, 
they had him killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up 
outside the door of their father's house as a diaphanous door- 
scraper. 




1 165 ] 



THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF 
THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE 



CHAPTER I 

INTRODUCTORY 

IN former days, — that is to say, once upon a time, — there 
lived in the Land of Gramble-Blamble seven families. 
They lived by the side of the great Lake Pipple-Popple (one 
of the seven families, indeed, lived in the lake) , and on the out- 
skirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite 
dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places 
you have probably heard of ; and you have only not to look in 
your geography- books to find out all about them. 

Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the 
great Lake Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter. 



[169] 



CHAPTER II 

THE SEVEN FAMILIES 



THERE was a family of two old Parrots and seven young 
Parrots. 




There was a family of two old Storks and seven young storks. 




[170] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 
There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese. 




There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls. 




There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven 
young Guinea Pigs. 




There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats. 




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And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young 
Fishes. 




[172] 



CHAPTER III 

THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES 

THE Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which 
were beautiful to behold, and covered with blue leaves; 
and they fed upon fruit, artichokes, and striped beetles. 

The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, 
and ate frogs for breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on 
account of the extreme length of their legs they could not sit 
down, and sd they walked about continually. 

The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of 
flies, which they ate for dinner. 

The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, 
and made into sago-puddings. 

The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate let- 
tuces and Cheshire cheese. 

The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge 
biscuits. 

The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled 
periwinkles. 

And all these seven families lived together in the utmost 
fun and felicity. 



[173] 



CHAPTER IV 

THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY 

ONE day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the 
seven families agreed that they would send their chil- 
dren out to see the world. 

So they called them all together, and gave them each eight 
shillings and some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a 
small green morocco pocket-hook to set down their expenses 
in. 

They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and 
all the parents sent off their children with a parting injunc- 
tion. 

" If," said the old Parrots, " you find a cherry, do not fight 
ahout who should have it." 

" And," said the old Storks, " if you find a frog, divide it 
carefully into seven hits, hut on no account quarrel about it." 

And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, " What- 
ever you do, be sure you do not touch a plum-pudding flea.'" 

And the old Owls said, " If you find a mouse, tear him up 
into seven slices, and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrel- 
ling." 

And the old Guinea Pigs said, " Have a care that you eat 
your lettuces, should you find any, not greedily, but calmly." 

And the old Cats said, " Be particularly careful not to 
meddle with a clangle-wangle if you should see one." 

And the old Fishes said, " Above all things, avoid eating 
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a blue boss-woss; for they do not agree with fishes, and give 
them a pain in their toes." 

So all the children of each family thanked their parents; 
and, making in all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the 
wide world. 



[175] 



CHAPTER V 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS 

THE seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw 
a tree with a single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot 
picked instantly; but the other six, being extremely hungry, 
tried to get it also. On which all the seven began to fight ; and 
they scuffled, 

and huffled, 
and ruffled, 
and shuffled, 
and puffled, 
and muffled, 
and buffled, 
and duffled, 
and fluffled, 
and guffled, 
and bruffled, 

and screamed, and shrieked and 

squealed, and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and 
bumped, and thumped, and dumped, and flumped each other, 
till they were all torn into little bits; and at last there was 
nothing left to record this painful incident except the cherry 
and seven small green feathers. 

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And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven 
young Parrots. 




1 177 ] 



CHAPTER VI 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS 

WHEN the seven young Storks set out, they walked or 
flew for fourteen weeks in a straight line, and for six 
weeks more in a crooked one ; and after that they ran as hard 
as they could for one hundred and eight miles ; and after that 
they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blat- 
tery noise with their bills. 

About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted 
with green, and with a sky-blue stripe under each ear. 

So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were 
going to divide him into seven pieces, when they began to quar- 
rel as to which of his legs should be taken off first. One said 
this, and another said that; and while they were all quarrelling, 
the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he was gone, 
they began to chatter-clatter, 

blatter-platter, 

patter-blatter, 

matter-clatter, 

flatter-quatter, more violently than ever; and after 
they had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little 
pieces, so that at last nothing was left of any of them except 
their bills. 

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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 
And that was the end of the seven young Storks. 




[179] 



CHAPTER VII 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE 

WHEN the seven young Geese began to travel, they went 
over a large plain, on which there was but one tree, and 
that was a very bad one. 

So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked 
about them; while the other three waddled up and down, and 
repeated poetry, and their last six lessons in arithmetic, geogra- 
phy, and cookery. 

Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the 
most interesting and obese appearance, having a perfectly 
round body exactly resembling a boiled plum-pudding, with 
two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers growing out 
of his head, and only one leg. 

So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each 
other, " Beyond all doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding 
Flea!" 

On which they incautiously began to sing aloud, 
" Plum-pudding Flea, 
Plum-pudding Flea, 
Wherever you be, 
Oh! come to our tree, 
And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me! " 
And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pud- 
ding Flea began to hop and skip on his one leg with the most 
dreadful velocity, and came straight to the tree, where he 
stopped, and looked about him in a vacant and voluminous 
manner. 

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THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, 
and all of a tremble-bemble : so one of them put out his long 
neck, and just touched him with the tip of his bill; but no 
sooner had he done this than the Plum-pudding Flea skipped 
and hopped about more and more, and higher and higher; 
after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise 
and indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly 
and furiously and terribly, that they were totally unable to 
bear the noise; and by degrees every one of them suddenly 
tumbled down quite dead. 

So that was the end of the seven young Geese. 




[181] 



CHAPTER VIII 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS 

WHEN the seven young Owls set out, they sate every 
now and then on the branches of old trees, and never 
went far at one time. 

And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they 
heard a mouse; but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they 
could not see him. 

So they called out, " Is that a mouse? " 

On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, 
it is!" 

And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off 
the tree, meaning to alight on the ground; but they did not 
perceive that there was a large well below them, into which 
they all fell superficially, and were every one of them drowned 
in less than half a minute. 

So that was the end of the seven young Owls. 




[182] 



CHAPTER IX 



THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS 



THE seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of 
gooseberry-bushes and tiggory-trees, under one of which 
they fell asleep. When they awoke, they saw a large lettuce, 
which had grown out of the ground while they had been sleep- 
ing, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At 
which they all exclaimed, — 

" Lettuce ! O lettuce 
Let us, O let us, 
O lettuce-leaves, 
O let us leave this tree, and eat 
Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves ! " 
And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with 
such extreme force against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads 
so vividly against its stalk, that the concussion brought on di- 
rectly an incipient transitional inflammation of their noses, 
which grew worse and worse and worse and worse, till it inci- 
dentally killed them all seven. 

And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs. 




[183] 



CHAPTER X 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS 

THE seven young Cats set off on their travels with great 
delight and rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a 
high hill, they perceived at a long distance off a Clangle- 
Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, Clangel-Wangel) ; 
and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran straight up 
to it. 

(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and de- 
lusive beast, and by no means commonly to be met with. They 
live in the water as well as on land, using their long tail as a 
sail when in the former element. Their speed is extreme ; but 
their habits of lif e are domestic and superfluous, and their gen- 
eral demeanour pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, 
they may sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, 
standing on their heads, and humming their national melodies. 
They subsist entirely on vegetables, excepting when they eat 
veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or saltpetre.) 

The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young 
Cats approach, he ran away; and as he ran straight on for four 
months, and the Cats, though they continued to run, could 
never overtake him, they all gradually died of fatigue and ex- 
haustion, and never afterwards recovered. 

And this was the end of the seven young Cats. 





[184] 



CHAPTER XI 

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES 

THE seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple- 
Popple, and into the river, and into the ocean; where 
most unhappily for them, they saw, on the fifteenth day of their 
travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam after 
him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a perpendicular, 

spicular, 
orbicular, 

quadrangular, 

circular depth of soft mud; 
where, in fact, his house was. 

And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and 
uncomfortable velocity, plunged also into the mud quite 
against their will, and not being accustomed to it, were all suf- 
focated in a very short period. 

And that was the end of the seven young Fishes. 



^F0^ &£._ 



*£* 



[185] 




CHAPTER XII 

OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY 

AFTER it was known that the 
seven young Parrots, 

and the seven young Storks, 

and the seven young Geese, 

and the seven young Owls, 

and the seven young Guinea Pigs, 

and the seven young Cats, 

and the seven young Fishes, 
were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-Pudding Flea, and 
the Mouse, and the Clangle- Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, 




all met together to rejoice over their good fortune. And they 
collected the seven feathers of the seven young Parrots, and 
the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the lettuce, and 

[186] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and 
the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they 
danced a hornpipe round all these memorials until they were 
quite tired; after which they gave a tea-party, and a garden- 
party, and a ball, and a concert, and then returned to their re- 
spective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, satisfaction, 
and disgust. 



[187] 



CHAPTER XIII 

OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FOKTY-NINE 
CHHJHtEN 

BUT when the two old Parrots, 
and the two old Storks, 

and the two old Geese, 

and the two old Owls, 

and the two old Guinea Pigs, 

and the two old Cats, 

and the two old Fishes, 
hecame aware, hy reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous 
extinction of the whole of their families, they refused all fur- 
ther sustenance; and, sending out to various shops, they pur- 
chased great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and 
vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense glass 
bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they 
ate a light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, 
and took an affecting and formal leave of the whole of their 
acquaintance, which was very numerous and distinguished and 
select and responsible and ridiculous. 



[188] 



CHAPTER XIV 



CONCLUSION 



AND after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients 
for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate 
bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, 
and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes ; having pre- 
viously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent 
lawyers of the district) , in which they left strict orders that the 
stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with 
the blue sealing-wax they had purchased ; and that they them- 
selves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal 
museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or 
any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a 
marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and 
contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillani- 
mous public. 

And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and 




[189] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the 
ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh 
room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central 
quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you 
certainly will not see them. 



[190] 



NONSENSE COOKERY 



NONSENSE COOKERY 

Extract from " The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870. 

OUR readers will be interested in the following com- 
munication from our valued and learned contribu- 
tor, Prof. Bosh, whose labours in the fields of culinary and bo- 
tanical science are so well known to all the world. The first 
three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery 
of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all 
botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Prof. Bosh's 
kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his dis- 
coveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Ver- 
rikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the 
Hill Orfeltugg." 



[193] 



THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY 

TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE 

TAKE 4 pounds (say 4 1-2 pounds) of fresh Am- 
blongusses, and put them in a small pipkin. 

Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours inces- 
santly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to 
boil for 4 hours more. 

When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are 
quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking 
care to shake them well previously. 

Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them care- 
fully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a suffi- 
cient quantity of Cayenne pepper. 

Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the 
floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters 
of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses 
have become of a pale purple colour. 

Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole care- 
fully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 
4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters. 

Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a 
pinch of salt from time to time. 

Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of win- 
dow as fast as possible. 



[194] 



TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS 

PROCURE some strips of beef, and, having cut them into 
the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still 
smaller, — eight, or perhaps nine times. 

When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a 
new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with 
a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle. 

Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny 
place, — say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other 
birds, — and leave it there for about a week. 

At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of 
almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole 
with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will 
be ready for use. 

Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a 
clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin. 



[195] 



TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES 

TAKE a pig three or four years of age, and tie him hy the 
off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 
of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 
bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly 
provide him with more. 

Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 
4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work 
the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of 
clean brown waterproof linen. 

When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed 
to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If 
he squeals, beat him again. 

Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, 
and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about 
to turn into Gosky Patties. 

If it does not then, it never will ; and in that case the pig 
may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as 
finished. 



[196] 



NONSENSE BOTANY 




Barkia Howlaloudia. 




Enkoopia Chickabiddia. 
[199] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Jinglia Tinkettlia. 



Nasticreechia Krorfuppia. 
[200] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Arthbroomia Rigida. 




Sophtsluggia Glutinosa. 

[201] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Minspysia Deliddsa. 




Shoebootia Utilis. 
[202] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Stunnia Dinnerbellia. 



Tickia Orologica. 
[203] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Washtubbia Circularis. 




Tigerlillia Terribilis. 
[204] 



NONSENSE BOTANY. 



SECOND SERIES. 




Baccopipia Gracilis. 




Bbttlephorkia Spoonifolia. 
[207] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Cockatooca Superba. 




Fishia Marina. 
[208] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Guittara Pensilis. 




Manypeeplia Upsidownia. 
[209] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Phattfacia Stupenda. 




Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis. 
[210] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Plumbunnia Nutritiosa. 




Pollybirdia Singularis. 
[211] 



NONSENSE BOTANY 




Armchairia Comfortabilis. 




Bassia Palealensis. 
[215] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Bubblia Blowpipia. 




Bluebottlia Buzztilentia. 
[216] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Crabbia Horrida. 




Smalltoothcombia Domestica. 
[217] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Knutmigrata Simplice. 




Tureenia Ladlecum. 
[218] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Puffia Leatherbellowsa. 




Queeriflora Babyoides. 
[219] 



NONSENSE ALPHABETS 



A 



A 



was an ant 
Who seldom stood still, 
And who made a nice house 
In the side of a hill. 



a 

Nice little ant! 




B 



B 



was a book 
With a binding of blue, 
And pictures and stories 
For me and for you. 

b 

Nice little book! 
[223] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




V-> was a cat 
Who ran af tei* a rat ; 
But his courage did fail 
When she seized on his tail. 



C 

Crafty old cat! 



[224] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



D 




D 



was a duck 
With spots on his back, 
Who lived in the water, 
And always said " Quack ! " 



Dear little duckl 



[225] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



E 




E 



was an elephant, 
Stately and wise: 
He had tusks and a trunk, 
And two queer little eyes. 



Oh, what funny small eyes I 



[226] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



F 




F 



was a fish 
Who was caught in a net ; 
But he got out again, 
And is quite alive yet. 



[Lively young fishl 



[227] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



G 




G 



was a goat 
Who was spotted with brown: 
When he did not lie still 
He walked up and down. 



g 

Good little goat! 



[228] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



H 




H 



was a hat 
Which was all on one side; 
Its crown was too high, 
And its brim was too wide. 



Oh, what a hat! 



[229] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



I 




I 



was some ice 
So white and so nice, 
But which nobody tasted; 
And so it was wasted. 



1 

All that good ice! 



[230] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




%3 was a jackdaw 
Who hopped up and down 
In the principal street 
Of a neighbouring town. 



All through the town! 



[231] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



K 




K 



was a kite 
Which flew out of sight, 
Above houses so high, 
Quite into the sky. 



k 

Fly away, kite! 



[232] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




1 4 was a light 
Which hurned all the night, 
And lighted the gloom 
Of a very dark room. 



Useful nice light! 



[233] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



M 




M 



was a mill 
Which stood on a hill, 
And turned round and round 
With a loud hummy sound. 



m 

Useful old mill! 



[234] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



N 




N 



was a net 
Which was thrown in the sea 
To catch fish for dinner 
For you and for me. 



n 

Nice little net I 



[235] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



O 




O 



was an orange 
So yellow and round: 
When it fell off the tree, 
It fell down to the ground. 



O 

Down to the ground! 



[ 236 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




J. was a pig, 
Who was not very big; 
But his tail was too curly, 
And that made him surly. 



P 



Cross little pig! 



[237] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



Q 




O 



was a quail 
With a very short tail; 
And he fed upon corn 
In the evening and morn. 



q 

Quaint little quail! 



[238] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



R 




R 



was a rabbit, 
Who had a bad habit 
Of eating the flowers 
In gardens and bowers. 



Naughty fat rabbit 1 



[239] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



s 



s 



was the sugar-tongs, 
Nippity-nee, 
To take up the sugar 
To put in our tea. 



S 

Nippity-nee! 



[240] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




JL was a tortoise, 
All yellow and black: 
He walked slowly away, 
And he never came back. 



Torty never came backl 



[241] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



U 




U 



was an urn 
All polished and bright, 
And full of hot water 
At Boon and at night. 



U 

Useful old urnl 



[242] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



V 




V 



was a villa 
Which stood on a hill, 
By the side of a river, 
And close to a mill. 



V 

Nice little villa! 



[243] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



w 




w 



was a whale 
With a very long tail, 
Whose movements were frantic 
Across the Atlantic. 



W 

Monstrous old whale! 



[244] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



X 




X 



was King Xerxes, 
Who, more than all Turks, is 
Renowned for his fashion 
Of fury and passion. 



X 

Angry old Xerxes! 



[245] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




JL was a yew, 
Which flourished and grew 
By a quiet abode 
Near the side of a road. 



y 

Dark little yew! 



[246] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




£—* was some zinc, 
So shiny and bright, 
Which caused you to wink 
In the sun's merry light. 



Z 

Beautiful zinc! 



[ 247 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



A 




a 



B 



was once an apple-pie, 
Pidy, 
Widy, 
Tidy, 
Pidy, 
Nice insidy, 
Apple-pie ! 




B 



was once a little bear, 

Beary, 

Wary, 

Hairy, 

Beary, 

Taky cary, 

Little bear! 

[248] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



c 




was once a little cake, 

Caky, 

Baky, 

Maky, 

Caky, 
Taky caky, 
Little cake! 



[249] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



D 




D 



was once a little doll, 

Dolly, 

Molly, 

Polly, 

Nolly, 
Nursy dolly, 
Little doll! 



[250] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




E 



e 

was once a little eel, 
Eely, 
Weely, 
Peely, 
Eely, 
Twirly, tweely, 
Little eel! 




J/ was once a little fish, 
Fishy, 
Wishy, 
Squishy, 
Fishy, 
In a dishy, 
Little fish! 
[251] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



G 




G 



S 



was once a little goose, 

Goosy, 

Moosy, 

Boosey, 

Goosey, 
Waddly-woosy, 
Little goose I 



f [ 252 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was once a little hen, 

Henny, 

Chenny, 

Tenny, 

Henny. 
Eggsy-any, 
Little hen? 




I 



1 

was once a bottle of ink, 
Inky, 
Dinky, 
Thinky, 
Inky, 
Blacky minky, 
Bottle of ink! 
[253] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




3 



I was once a jar of jam, 

Jammy, 

Mammy, 

Clammy, 

Jammy, 
Sweety, swammy, 
Jar of jam! 



[254] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was once a little kite, 
Kity, 
Whity, 
Flighty, 
Kity, _ 
Out of sighty, 
Little kite! 



[255] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




I J was once a little lark, 

Larky, 

Marky, 

Harky, 

Larky, 
In the parky, 
Little lark! 




M 



m 

was once a little mouse, 

Mousy, 

Bousy, 

Sousy, 

Mousy, 
In the housy, 
Little mouse! 
[256] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



N 



n 

1\ was once a little needle, 
Needly, 



Tweedly, 

Threedly, 

Needly, 
Wisky, wheedly, 
Little needle! 



[257] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



o 




o 



o 

was once a little owl, 
Owly, 
Prowly, 
Howly, 
Owly, 
Browny fowly, 
Little owl! 



[258] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was once a little pump, 
Pumpy, 
Slumpy, 
Flumpy, 
Pumpy, 
Dumpy, thumpy, 
Little pump! 



[259] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



Q 




q 







was once a little quail, 
Quaily, 
Faily, 
Daily, 
Quaily, 
Stumpy-taily, 
Little quail! 



[260] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



R 




R 



was once a little rose, 
Rosy, 
Posy, 
Nosy, 
Rosy, 
Blows-y, grows-y, 
Little rose! 



[261] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



s 




was once a little shrimp, 
Shrimpy, 
Nimpy, 
Flimpy, 
Shrimpy. 
Jumpy, jimpy, 
Little shrimp! 



[262] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was once a little thrush, 

Thrushy, 

Hushy, 

Bushy, 

Thrushy, 
Flitty, flushy, 
Little thrush! 



[263] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



u 




u 



u 



was once a little urn, 
Urny, 
Burny, 
Turny, 
Urny, 
Bubbly, burny, 
Little urn! 



[264] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



V 




V 



v 

was once a little vine, 
Viny, 
Winy, 
Twiny, 
Viny, 
Twisty-twiny, 
Little vine! 



[265] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



W 




W 



w 



was once a whale, 
Whaly, 
Scaly, 
Shaly, 
Whaly, 
Tumbly-taily, 
Mighty whale! 



[266] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



X 




X 



was once a great king Xerxes, 
Xerxy, 
Perxy, 
Turxy, 
Xerxy, 
Linxy, lurxy, 
Great Bang Xerxes! 



[267] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




Y 

Y 



was once a little yew, 
Yewdy, 
Fewdy, 
Crudy, 
Yewdy, 
Growdy, grewdy, 
Little yew! 



[268] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




z 



was once a piece of zinc, 

Tinky, 

Winky, 

Blinky, 

Tinky, 
Tinkly minky, 
Piece of zinc! 



[269] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was an ape, 
Who stole some white tape, 
And tied up his toes 
In four beautiful bows 



a 

Funny old ape! 



[270] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



B 




B 



was a bat, 
Who slept all the day, 
And fluttered about 
When the sun went away. 



Brown little bat! 



[271] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




* was a camel: 
You rode on his hump; 
And if you fell off, 
You came down such a bump! 



What a high camel! 



[272] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



D 




D 



was a dove, 
Who lived in a wood, 
With such pretty soft wings, 
And so gentle and good! 



Dear little dove! 



[273] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



E 




E 



was an eagle, 
Who sat on the rocks, 
And looked down on the fields 
And the far-away flocks. 



Beautiful eagle 1 



[274] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was a fan 
Made of beautiful stuff; 
And when it was used, 
It went puffy-puff -puff 1 



Nice little fanl 



G 




was a gooseberry, 
Perfectly red; 
To be made into jam, 
And eaten with bread. 



g 



Gooseberry red! 
[275] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



H 




H 



was a heron, 
Who stood in a stream: 
The length of his neck 
And his legs was extreme. 



h 

Long-legged heron! 



[276] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



I 




was an inkstand, 
Which stood on a table, 
With a nice pen to write with 
When we are able. 



Neat little inkstand! 




was a jug, 
So pretty and white, 
With fresh water in it 
At morning and night. 



J 



Nice little jug! 
[277] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



K 




K 



was a kingfisher: 
Quickly he flew, 
So bright and so pretty !- 
Green, purple, and blue. 



k 

Kingfisher blue! 



[278] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




■ was a lily, 
So white and so sweet I 
To see it and smell it 
Was quite a nice treat. 



Beautiful lilyl 



[279] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



M 




M 



was a man, 
Who walked round and round ; 
And he wore a long coat 
That came down to the ground. 



m 

Funny old man! 



[280] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



N 



N 




was a nut 

So smooth and so brown! 
And when it was ripe, 
It fell tumble-dum-down. 



n 

Nice little nut! 



o 




was an oyster, 
Who lived in his shell: 
If you let him alone, 
He felt perfectly well. 

O 

Open-mouthed oyster! 
[281] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was a polly, 
All red, blue, and green,- 
The most beautiful polly 
That ever was seen. 

P 

Poor little polly! 



Q 



Q 



was a quill 
Made into a pen; 
But I do not know where, 
And I cannot say when. 



q 



Nice little quill! 
[282] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



R 




was a rattlesnake, 
Rolled up so tight, 
Those who saw him ran quickly, 
For fear he should bite. 

r 

'Rattlesnake bite! 



s 



s 



was a screw 
To screw down a box; 
And then it was fastened 
Without any locks. 



Valuable screw! 
[283] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



was a thimble, 
Of silver so bright! 
When placed on the finger, 
It fitted so tight! 



Nice little thimble! 



u 




was an upper-coat, 
Woolly and warm, 
To wear over all 
In the snow or the storm. 

u 

What a nice upper-coat! 
[284] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



V 




V 



was a veil 
With a border upon it, 
And a ribbon to tie it 
All round a pink bonnet. 



V 

Pretty green veil! 



[285] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



w 




w 



was a watch, 
Where, in letters of gold, 
The hour of the day 
You might always behold. 



W 

Beautiful watch! 



[286] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



X 




X 



was King Xerxes, 
Who wore on his head 
A mighty large turban, 
Green, yellow, and red. 



X 

Look at King Xerxes I 



[287] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



Y 




Y 



was a yak, 

From the land of Thibet: 
Except his white tail, 
He was all black as jet. 



y 



Look at the yak! 



[288] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



z 




z 



was a zebra, 
All striped white and black; 
And if he were tame, 
You might ride on his back. 



Pretty striped zebra! 



[289] 



ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES 
AND RHYMES 




There was a young person of Bantry, 

Who frequently slept in the pantry; 

When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice, 

That judicious young person of Bantry. 





There was an old person of Minety, 
Who purchased five hundred and ninety 
Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares 
At the heads of the people of Minety. 
[293] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an Old Man at a Junction, 

Whose feelings were wrung with compunction 

When they said, "The Train's gone!" he exclaimed, "How 

forlorn ! " 
But remained on the rails of the Junction. 




There was an old man of Thermopyloe, 
Who never did anything properly; 
But they said, " If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes, 
You shall never remain in Thermopyloe." 
[ 294 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Deal, 

Who in walking used only his heel; 

When they said, " Tell us why? " he made no reply, 

That mysterious old person of Deal. 




There was an old man on the Humber, 
Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber; 
When he said, " It's enough ! " they only said, " Stuff! 
You amazing old man on the Humber! " 
[295] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man in a barge, 
Whose nose was exceedingly large; 
But in fishing by night, it supported a light, 
Which helped that old man 
in a barge. 




There was an old man of Toulouse 

Who purchased a new pair of shoes; 

When they asked, "Are they pleasant?" he said, "Not at 

present! " 
That turbid old man of Toulouse. 
[296] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Dunrose; 

A parrot seized hold of his nose. 

When he grew melancholy, they said, " His name's Polly," 

Which soothed that old man of Dunrose. 




There was an old person of Bree, 

Who frequented the depths of the sea; 

She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, 

And swam back again into Bree. 

[297] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Shields, 

Who frequented the vallies and fields; 

All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, 

Followed after that person of Shields. 




There was an old person of Bromley, 
Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; 
He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust, 
That unpleasing old person of Bromley. 
[298] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Dunluce, 

Who went out to sea on a goose: 

When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile, 

" It is time to return to Dunluce." 




There was an old man of Dee-side 
Whose hat was exceedingly wide, 
But he said, " Do not fail, if it happen to hail, 
To come under my hat at Dee-side ! " 
[299] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person in black, 

A Grasshopper jumped on his back; 

When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, 

That helpless old person in black. 




There was an old man of the Dargle 
Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; 
For he said, " I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill, 
For the fish in the depths of the Dargle." 
[300] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



jio""'*n± 




There was an old person of Pinner, 

As thin as a lath, if not thinner ; 

They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight, 

That elastic old person of Pinner. 




There was an old man in a Marsh, 
Whose manners were futile and harsh; 
He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog, 
That instructive old man in a Marsh. 
[301] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of China, 

Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, 
Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuff y, 
And all of them settled in China. 




There was an old person of Brill, 
Who purchased a shirt with a frill; 
But they said, " Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish, 
You obsequious old person of Brill? " 

[ 302 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 





There was an old man at a Station, I 

Who made a promiscuous oration; 

But they said, " Take some snuff!— You have talk'd quite 

enough, 
You afflicting old man at a Station ! 





There was an old person of Wick, 
Who said, " Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick; 
Chickabee, Chickabaw." And he said nothing more, 
That laconic old person of Wick. 
[303] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Three Bridges, 
Whose mind was distracted hy midges, 
He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal, 
Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges. 




There was an old man of Hong Kong, 
Who never did anything wrong; 
He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, 
That innocuous old man of Hong Kong. 
[ 304 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Fife, 

Who was greatly disgusted with life; 

They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad, 

Which cured that old person of Fife. 




There was a young person in green, 
Who seldom was fit to be seen; 
She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, 
Which enveloped that person in green. 
[305] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man who screamed out 
Whenever they knocked him about: 
So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits, 
And continued to knock him about. 




There was a young lady in white, 
Who looked out at the depths of the night; 
But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair, 
And oppressed that young lady in white. 
[306] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Slough, 

Who danced at the end of a bough; 

But they said, " If you sneeze, you might damage the trees, 

You imprudent old person of Slough." 




There was an old person of Down, 
Whose face was adorned with a frown ; 
When he opened the door, for one minute or more, 
He alarmed all the people of Down. 
[307] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 
10 ^ 




There was a young person in red, 

Who carefully covered her head, 

With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather, 

/- jfljfrfc^ Besides some long ribands of red. 




There was an old person of Hove, 
Who frequented the depths of a grove; 
Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, 
That tranquil old person of Hove. 
[ 308 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a young person in pink, 
Who called out for something to drink: 
But they said, " O my daughter, 

there's nothing but water!" 
Which vexed that young person: 

in pink. 




There was an old lady of France, 
Who taught little ducklings to dance; 
When she said, " Tick-a-tack! " they only said, " Quack! " 
Which grieved that old lady of France. 

[ 309 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




EE=1 



There was an old person of Putney, 
Whose food was roast spiders and chutney, 
Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea, 
That romantic old person of Putney. 




There was an old person of Loo, 
Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" 
When they said, " Go awayl " she continued to stay, 
That vexatious old person of Loo. 
[310] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Woking, 
Whose mind was perverse and provoking ; 
He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail, 
That illusive old person of Woking. 




There was an old person of Dean 
Who dined on one pea, and one bean; 
For he said, " More than that, would make me too fat." 
That cautious old person of Dean. 
[311] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a young lady in blue, 

Who said, " Is it you? Is it you? " 

When they said, " Yes, it is," she replied only, " Whizz! " 

That ungracious young lady in blue. 




There was an old person of Pisa, 
Whose daughters did nothing to please her; 
She dressed them in grey, and banged them all day, 
Round the walls of the city of Pisa. 
[312] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man in a garden, 

Who always hegged every one's pardon; 

When they asked him, "What for?" he replied, 

hore! 
And I trust you'll go out of my 
garden." 



You're a 




There was an old person of Florence, 
Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; 
He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard, 
Which choked that old person of Florence. 
[313] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Sheen, 
Whose expression was calm and serene; 
He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter, 
That placid old person of Sheen. 



*i3s* 




There was an old man of Cashmere, 
Whose movements were scroobious and queer; 
Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall, 
And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere. 




[314] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Ware, 
Who rode on the back of a bear : 
When they ask'd, " Does it trot? " 

he said, " Certainly not! 
He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bearl" 




There was a young person of Janina, 
Whose uncle was always a fanning her ; 
When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said, 
" You propitious old person of Janina! " 
[315] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Pett, 
Who was partly consumed by regret; 
He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart, 
Which relieved that old person of Pett v 




There was an old person of Cassel, 
Whose nose finished off in a tassel ; 
But they call'd out, " Oh well! don't it look like a bell! " 
Which perplexed that old person of Cassel. 
[316] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Spithead, 

Who opened the window, and said, — 

" Fil-jomble, fil- jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble ! 

That doubtful old man of Spithead. 




There was an old man on the Border, 

Who lived in the utmost disorder; 

He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat, 

Which vexed all the folks on the Border. 

[317] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Dumbree, 

Who taught little owls to drink tea; 

For he said, " To eat mice is not proper or nice," 

That amiable man of Dumbree. 




There was an old person of Filey, 
Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly; 
He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell, 
And delighted the people of Filey. 
[318] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man whose remorse 

Induced him to drink Caper Sauce ; 

For they said, " If mixed up with some cold claret-cup, 

It will certainly soothe your remorse ! " 




There was an old man of Ibreem, 
Who suddenly threaten'd to scream : 
But they said, " If you do, we will thump you quite blue, 
You disgusting old man of Ibreem!" 
[319] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Wilts, 

Who constantly walked upon stilts ; 

He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies, 

That elegant person of Wilts. 




There was an old person of Grange, 
Whose manners were scroobious and strange; 
He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub, 
That aquatic old person of Grange. 
[ 320 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Dumblane, 

Who greatly resembled a crane ; 

But they said, " Is it wrong, since your legs are so long, 

To request you won't stay in Dumblane? " 




There was an old man of El Hums, 
Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, 

Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round, 
In the roads and the lanes of El Hums. 

[321] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of West Dumpet, 
Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet; 
When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd, 
And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet. 




There was an old man of Port Grigor, 

Whose actions were noted for vigour; 

He stood on his ^ead till his waistcoat turned red, 

That eclectic old man of Port Grigor. 

[322] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Newry, 
Whose manners were tinctured with fury; 
He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs, 
Within twenty miles' distance of Newry. 




There was an old person of Sark, 
Who made an unpleasant remark; 

But they said, " Don't you see what a brute you must be, 
You obnoxious old person of Sark ! " 
[323] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man whose despair 
Induced him to purchase a hare: 
Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away, 
Which partly assuaged his despair. 




There was an old person of Barnes, 
Whose garments were covered with darns; 
But they said, " Without doubt, you will soon wear them out, 
You luminous person of Barnes ! " 

[ 324 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Nice, 

Whose associates were usually Geese. 

They walked out together in all sorts of weather, 

That affable person of Nice! 




There was a young lady of Greenwich, 
Whose garments were border'd with Spinach; 
But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, 
Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich. 
[325] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Cannes, 

Who purchased three fowls and a fan; 

Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool 

She constantly fanned them at Cannes. 




There was an old person in grey, 
Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; 
She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots, 
Which pleased that old person in grey. 
[ 326 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Hyde, 

Who walked by the shore with his bride, 

Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear, 

And they said, " Would we'd never left Hyde! " 




There was an old person of Ickley, 
Who could not abide to ride quickly; 
He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back, 
That moony old person of Ickley. 
[327] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Ancona, 

Who found a small dog with no owner, 

Which he took up and down all the streets of the town, 

That anxious old man of Ancona. 




There was an old person of Sestri, 
What sate himself down in the vestry; 
When they said, " You are wrong! " he merely said 
That repulsive old person of Sestri. 

[ 328 ] 



Bong! 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Blythe, 

Who cut up his meat with a scythe; 

When they said, "Well! I never!" he cried, "Scythes for 

ever! " 
That lively old person of Blythe. 




There was a young person of Ayr, 
Whose head was remarkably square: 
On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; 
Which dazzled the people of Ayr. 
[329] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Rimini, 

Who said, " Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini! " 

When they said, " Please be still! " she ran down a hill, 

And was never more heard of at Rimini. 




There is a young lady, whose nose, 
Continually prospers and grows; 
When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright, 
" Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose! " 
[330] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Ealing, 

Who was wholly devoid of good feeling; 

He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig, 

Which distressed all the people of Ealing. 



There was an old man of Thames Ditton, 
Who called out for something to sit on; 
But they brought him a hat, and said, " Sit upon that, 
You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton ! " 
[331] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Bray, 

Who sang through the whole of the day 

To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, 

That valuable person of Bray. 




There was a young person whose history 
Was always considered a mystery; 
She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, 
And composed a small treatise on history. 
[ 332 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Bow, 

Whom nobody happened to know ; 

So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, " We hope 

You will go back directly to Bow! " 




There was an old person of Rye, 
Who went up to town on a fly; 

But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! 
You abstemious old person of Rye ! " 
[ 333 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Crowle, 

Who lived in the nest of an owl; 

When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, 

That depressing old person in Crowle. 




There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, 
Who said, " If you needle or pin shall see 
On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom ! 
That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea ! 
[334] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man in a tree, 

Whose whiskers were lovely to see; 

But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, 

To make themselves nests in that tree. 




There was a young lady of Corsica, 
Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; 
Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, 
That expensive young lady of Corsica. 
[335] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Stroud, 

Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; 

Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, 

That impulsive old person of Stroud. 




There was a young lady of Firle, 
Whose hair was addicted to curl ; 
It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, 
That expansive young lady of Firle. 
[336] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Boulak, 

Who sate on a Crocodile's back; 

But they said, " Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, 

Which might vex you, old man of Boulak! " 




There was an old person of Skye, 
Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: 
They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, 
And entranced all the people of Skye. 
[337] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Blackheath, 
Whose head was adorned with a wreath 
Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, 
That uncommon old man of Blackheath. 



[338] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There "was an old man, who when little, 
Fell casually into a kettle ; 
But growing too stout, he could never get out, 
So he passed all his life in that kettle. 



[339] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Dundalk, 

Who tried to teach fishes to walk; 

When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, 

" I had better go back to Dundalk! " 



[340] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Shoreham, 
Whose habits were marked by decorum; 
He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, 
Which pleased all the people of Shoreham. 



[341] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Bar, 

Who passed all her life in a jar, 

Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, 

That placid old person of Bar. 



[342] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was a young person of Kew, 

Whose virtues and vices were few; 

But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, 

Which destroyed that young person of Kew. 



[343] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Jodd, 
Whose ways were perplexing and odd; 
She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, 
And squeaked to the people of Jodd. 



[344] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



r'i ill / / ;>V 




There was an old person of Bude, 
Whose deportment was vicious and crude; 
He wore a large ruff of pale straw-coloured stuff, 
Which perplexed all the people of Bude. 



[345] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old person of Brigg, 

Who purchased no end of a wig ; 

So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, 

Could be seen when he walked about Brigg. 



[346] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




There was an old man of Messina, 
Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; 
She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, 
To the perfect delight of Messina. 



[347] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 
AN ALPHABET 




The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, 

who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on 

Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers. 




The Bountiful Beetle, 

who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, 

and left it home when it did. 

[348] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Comfortable Confidential Cow, 

who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and 

toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire. 




The Dolomphious Duck, 

who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner 

with a Runcible Spoon. 



[349] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Enthusiastic Elephant, 

who ferried himself across the water with the 

Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings. 




The Fizzgiggious Fish, 

who always walked about upon Stilts, 

because he had no legs. 

[350] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Good-natured Grey Gull, 

who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, 

across the river, because he could not swim. 




The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, 

who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, 

and bought a Fish for her Supper. 



[351] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Inventive Indian, 

who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a 

Stupendous Silver Spoon. 




The Judicious Jubilant Jay, 

who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of 

Roses, 
Three feathers, and a .Gold Pin. 

[352] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Kicking Kangaroo, 

who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress 

with Blue spots. 




The Lively Learned Lobster, 
who mended his own Clothes with 
a Needle and Thread. 



[353] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, 
who played a merry minuet on the 
Piano-forte. 




.The Nutritious Newt, 

who purchased a Round Plum-pudding 

for his grand-daughter. 

[354] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, 
who wore Boots to keep his 
feet quite dry. 




The Perpendicular Purple Polly, 

who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie 

with his Spectacles. 

[355] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Queer Querulous Quail, 

who smoked a Pipe of Tobacco on the top of 

a Tin Tea-kettle. 




The Rural Runcible Raven, 

who wore a White Wig and flew away 

with the Carpet Broom. 



[356] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Scroobious Snake, 

who always wore a Hat on his Head, for 

fear he should bite anybody. 




The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, 
who beat a Drum all day long in the 
middle of the wilderness. 



[357] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, 

whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was 

always covered by his Umbrella. 




The Visibly Vicious Vulture, 

who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a 

Volume bound in Vellum. 



[358] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, 

who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a 

Flute with a Morning Cap. 




The Excellent Double-extra XX 
imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a 
long while ago. 



[359] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, 

whose Head was ever so much bigger than his 

Body, and whose Hat was rather small. 




The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, 

who carried five monkeys on his back all 

the way to Jellibolee. 



[360] 



LAUGHABLE LYRICS 




LAUGHABLE LYRICS 
THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE 

WHEN awful darkness and silence reign 
Over the great Gromboolian plain, 
Through the long, long wintry nights; 
When the angry breakers roar 
As they beat on the rocky shore; 

When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights 
Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,— 

Then, through the vast and gloomy dark 

There moves what seems a fiery spark, — 

A lonely spark with silvery rays 

Piercing the coal-black night, — 

A Meteor strange and bright: 

Hither and thither the vision strays, 

A single lurid light. 

[363] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps, — 
Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; 
And ever as onward it gleaming goes 
A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. 
And those who watch at that midnight hour 
From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, 
Cry, as the wild light passes along, — 
" The Dong! the Dong! 

The wandering Dong through the forest goes ! 
The Dong! the Dong! 

The Dong with a luminous Nose ! " 

Long years ago 
The Dong was happy and gay, 
Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl 
Who came to those shores one day. 
For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did, — 
Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd 
Where the Oblong Oysters grow, 
And the rocks are smooth and grey. 
And all the woods and the valleys rang 
With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang, — 
" Far and few, far and few, 
Are the lands where the Jumblies live; 
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, 
'And they went to sea in a sieve." 

Happily, happily passed those days! 
While the cheerful Jumblies staid; 
They danced in circlets all night long, 
To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, 
In moonlight, shine, or shade. 
[ 364 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

For day and night he was always there 
By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, 
With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; 
Till the morning came of that hateful day 
When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, 
And the Dong was left on the cruel shore 
Gazing, gazing for evermore, — 
Ever keeping his weary eyes on 
That pea-green sail on the far horizon, — 
Singing the Jumbly Chorus still 
As he sate all day on the grassy hill, — 
" Far and few, jar and few, 

Are the lands where the Jumblies live; 

Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, 

And they went to sea in a sieve." 

But when the sun was low in the West, 

The Dong arose and said, — 
" What little sense I once possessed 

Has quite gone out of my head! " 
And since that day he wanders still 
By lake and forest, marsh and hill, 
Singing, " O somewhere, in valley or plain, 
Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! 
For ever I'll seek by lake and shore 
Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more! " 
Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, 
Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; 
And because by night he could not see, 
He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree 
On the flowery plain that grows. 
And he wove him a wondrous Nose, — 
A Nose as strange as a Nose could be ! 
[365] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Of vast proportions and painted red, 
And tied with cords to the hack of his head. 
In a hollow rounded space it ended 
With a luminous lamp within suspended, 
All fenced about 
With a bandage stout 

To prevent the wind from blowing it out; 
And with holes all round to send the light 
In gleaming rays on the dismal night. 

And now each night, and all night long, 
Over those plains still roams the Dong ; 
And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe 
You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, 
While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, 
To meet with his Jumbly Girl again ; 
Lonely and wild, all night he goes, — 
The Dong with a luminous Nose ! 
And all who watch at the midnight hour, 
From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, 
Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, 
Moving along through the dreary night, — 

" This is the hour when forth he goes, 

The Dong with a luminous Nose! 

Yonder, over the plain he goes, — 
He goes ! 
He goes, — 

The Dong with a luminous Nose!" 



[366] 




THE TWO OLD BACHELORS 

TWO old Bachelors were living in one house; 
One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. 
Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse, — 
" This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, 
Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, 
And what to do for dinner — since we haven't any money? 
And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, 
But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing 
thinner? " 

Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin, — 
" We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some 

Stuffin' ! 
If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; 
But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell! " 



Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town 

And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down ; 

They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be 

found 
In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round. 
[367] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

But some one said, " A hill there is, a little to the north, 
And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; 
And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage, — 
An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. 
Climb up, and seize him by the toes, — all studious as he sits, — 
And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits ! 
Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps) , — ■ 
When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good — perhaps." 

Those two old Bachelors without loss of time 
The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; 
And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, 
They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book. 

"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've 

read enough in! 
We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin' ! " 

But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, 
At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; 
And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down, — 
At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town ; 
And when they reached their house, they found (besides their 

want of Stuffin'), 
The Mouse had fled — and, previously, had eaten up the Muf- 
fin. 

They left their home in silence by the once convivial door ; 
And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of 



[368] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 
THE PELICANS. 




None bat we haie feet like fins. withlove ■ ly lea • the • ry tiroata and chins. 
fcl»-^-l ». m . § I-, 1 r» , , 1 : — f^l , , ' — «- 




Ploff-akln, Fluff- §klo, Pe • 11 - can Jeel we think no ttfzda ao hap-py aa wet 




Plum}) .ikta, Ploff » iIjd, Pe ■ H • can 041 1 We think ao then, and we thoojht to etUU 
j-J, ==-! -=— ! a-r— I -*- 




[369] 




THE PELICAN CHORUS 

KING and Queen of the Pelicans we; 
No other Birds so grand we see! 
None but we have feet like fins! 
With lovely leathery throats and chins! 
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! 
We think no Birds so happy as we ! 
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! 
We think so then, and we thought so still ! 

We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. 
By night we sleep on the cliffs above; 
By day we fish, and at eve we stand 
On long bare islands of yellow sand. 
And when the sun sinks slowly down, 
And the great rock walls grow dark and brown, 
Where the purple river rolls fast and dim 
And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, 
Wing to wing we dance around, 
Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, 
[370] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; 
And this is the song we nightly snort, — 

Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! 

We think no Birds so happy as we ! 

Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! 

We think so then, and we thought so still ! 

Last year came out our Daughter Dell, 
And all the Birds received her well. 
To do her honour a feast we made 
For every bird that can swim or wade, — 
Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, 
Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, 
Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, 
Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds : 
Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! 
They ate and drank and danced all night, 
And echoing back from the rocks you heard 
Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird, — 

Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! 

We think no Birds so happy as we ! 

Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! 

We think so then, and we thought so still ! 

Yes, they came; and among the rest 
The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. 
Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float 
Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; 
With pea-green trowsers all so neat, 
And a delicate frill to hide his feet 
(For though no speaks of it, every one knows 
He has got no webs between his toes). 
As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, 
In violent love that Crane King fell, — 
[ 371 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

On seeing her waddling form so fair, 

With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. 

And before the end of the next long day 

Our Dell had given her heart away; 

For the King of the Cranes had won that heart 

With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. 

She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, 

Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; 

And away they flew in a gathering crowd 

Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. 

Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! 

We think no Birds so happy as we! 

Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! 

We think so then, and we thought so still ! 

And far away in the twilight sky 

We heard them singing a lessening cry, — ■ 

Farther and farther, till out of sight, 

And we stood alone in the silent night! 

Often since, in the nights of June, 

We sit on the sand and watch the moon, — 

She has gone to the Great Gromboolian Plain, 

And we probably never shall meet again! 

Oft, in the long still nights of June, 

We sit on the rocks and watch the moon, — 

She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. 

And we probably never shall see her more. 

Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! 

We think no Birds so happy as we ! 

Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! 

We think so then, and we thought so still ! 

Note. — The Air of this and the following song by Edward Lear; 
the Arrangement for the Piano by Professor Pome, of San Remo, 
Italy. 

[372] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

THE YONGHY BONGHY BO. 



Piano, 




middle of the woods. Lived the Yongby Bonghy Bi>; Two old chain and half ft candle, Oneold 




jog with-oot a ban-die; These were all hiB worldly goods, In tie middle of the woods. These were 




all the worldly goods, Of the Tong-hy Boug-hy Bo, Of the Yong-Jiy Bong-by Bo. 



*fe=* 



r i i i r "*• F F 



[373] 




THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY- 
BONGHY-B6 



ON the Coast of Coromandel 
Where the early pumpkins blow, 
In the middle of the woods 
Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
Two old chairs, and half a candle, 
One old jug without a handle, — 
These were all his worldly goods, 
In the middle of the woods, 
These were all his worldly goods, 
Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bo. 



II 

Once, among the Bong-trees walking 

Where the early pumpkins blow, 

To a little heap of stones 
Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. 
[374] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

There he heard a Lady talking, 
To some milk-white Hens of Dorking, — 
" 'T is the Lady Jingly Jones! 
On that little heap of stones 
Sits the lady Jingly Jones! " 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 

in 
"Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! 

Sitting where the pumpkins blow, 
Will you come and be my wife? " 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
" I am tired of living singly, — 
On this coast so wild and shingly, — 
I'm a- weary of my life; 
If you'll come and be my wife, 
Quite serene would be my life! " 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 

IV 

" On this Coast of Coromandel 
Shrimps and watercresses grow, 
Prawns are plentiful and cheap," 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
" You shall have my chairs and candle, 
And my jug without a handle! 

Gaze upon the rolling deep 
'(Fish is plentiful and cheap) ; 
As the sea, my love is deep! " 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
[375] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

v 
Lady Jingly answered sadly, 
And her tears began to flow, — 

" Your proposal comes too late, 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 
I would be your wife most gladly! " 
(Here she twirled her fingers madly,) 
"But in England I've a mate! 
Yes ! you've asked me far too late, 
For in England I've a mate, 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 

VI 

" Mr. Jones (his name is Handel, — 
Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) 

Dorking fowls delights to send, 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 ! 
Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, 
And your jug without a handle, — 

I can merely be your friend ! 

Should my Jones more Dorkings send, 

I will give you three, my friend ! 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 ! 

VII 

" Though you've such a tiny body, 
And your head so large doth grow, — 

Though your hat may blow away, 
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 
Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, 
[376] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Yet I wish that I could modi- 
fy the words I needs must say! 
Will you please to go away 
That is all I have to say, 

Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 ! 

Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-B6l" 

VIII 

Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, 
Where the early pumpkins blow, 

To the calm and silent sea 
Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, 
Lay a large and lively Turtle. 

" You're the Cove," he said, " for me; 
On your back beyond the sea, 
Turtle, you shall carry me ! " 
Said the Yonghy-Bbnghy-B6, 
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 




IX 

Through the silent-roaring ocean 
Did the Turtle swiftly go; 
[377] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Holding fast upon his shell 
Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bd. 
With a sad primaeval motion 
Towards the sunset isles of Boshen 

Still the Turtle bore him well. 

Holding fast upon his shell, 

" Lady Jingly Jones, farewell! " 
Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 



From the Coast of Coromandel 
Did that Lady never go ; 

On that heap of stones she mourns 
For the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
On that Coast of Coromandel, 
In his jug without a handle 

Still she weeps, and daily moans; 
On that little heap of stones 
To her Dorking Hens she moans, 
For the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
For the Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 



[378] 




THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES 

i 

THE Pobble who has no toes 
Had once as many as we; 
When they said, " Some day you may lose them all ; 

He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee!" 
And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink 
Lavender water tinged with pink; 
For she said, " The World in general knows 
There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes ! " 

n 

The Pobble who has no toes, 

Swam across the Bristol Channel; 
But before he set out he wrapped his nose 

In a piece of scarlet flannel. 
For his Aunt Jobiska said, " No harm 
Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; 
And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes 
Are safe — provided he minds his nose." 

in 
The Pobble swam fast and well, 

And when boats or ships came near him, 
[379] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell 

So that all the world could hear him. 
And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, 
When they saw him nearing the further side, — 
" He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's 
Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers 1" 

iv 
But before he touched the shore, — 

The shore of the Bristol Channel, 
A sea-green Porpoise carried away 

His wrapper of scarlet flannel. 
And when he came to observe his feet, 
Formerly garnished with toes so neat, 
His face at once became forlorn 
On perceiving that all his toes were gone ! 

R 
And nobody ever knew, 

From that dark day to the present, 
Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, 

In a manner so far from pleasant. 
Whether the shrimps or crawfish grey, 
Or crafty Mermaids stole them away, 
Nobody knew ; and nobody knows 
How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes ! 

VI 

The Pobble who has no toes 

Was placed in a friendly Bark, 
And they rowed him back, and carried him up 

To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. 
And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish, 
Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish; 
And she said, " It's a fact the whole world knows, 
That Pobbles are happier without their toes." 
[380] 



THE NEW VESTMENTS 

THERE lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, 
Who invented a purely original dress; 
And when it was perfectly made and complete, 
He opened the door and walked into the street. 

By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, 

In the middle of which he inserted his head; 

His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, 

The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice; 

His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes ; 

His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose ; 

His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops; 

His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops; 

His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, 

And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; 

And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, 

A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together. 

He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, 
Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys; 
And from every long street and dark lane in the town 
Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. 
Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak; 
Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke; 
Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, 
And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat; 
An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore up his 
Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies ; 

[381] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, 
Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. 
He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, 
For scores of fat Pigs came again and again: 
They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors; 
They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers ; 
And now from the housetops with screechings descend 
Striped, spotted, white, black, and grey Cats without end: 
They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, 
When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that; 
They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, 
And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice; 
They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall, — 
Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all. 

And he said to himself, as he bolted the door, 
" I will not wear a similar dress any more, 
Any more, any more, any more, never more! " 



[382] 



MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS 



MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS 
Climbed to the top of a wall. 
And they sate to watch the sunset sky, 
And to hear the Nupiter Piffkin cry, 
And the Biscuit Buffalo call. 
They took up a roll and some Camomile tea, 
And both were as happy as happy could be, 
Till Mrs. Discobbolos said, — 
"Oh! W!X! Y!Z! 
It has just come into my head, 
Suppose we should happen to fall! ! ! ! ! 
Darling Mr. Discobbolos! 

ii 
" Suppose we should fall down flumpetty, 
Just like pieces of stone, 
On to the thorns, or into the moat, 
What would become of your new green coat? 
And might you not break a bone? 
It never occurred to me before, 
That perhaps we shall never go down any more ! : 
And Mrs. Discobbolos said, 
"Oh! W!X! Y!Z! 
What put it into your head 
To climb up this wall, my own 

Darling Mr. Discobbolos?" 
[883] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

in 
Mr. Discobbolos answered, 
" At first it gave me pain, 
And I felt my ears turn perfectly pink 
When your exclamation made me think 
We might never get down again! 
But now I believe it is wiser far 
To remain for ever just where we are." 
And Mr. Discobbolos said, 
"Oh! W!X! Y!Z! 
It has just come into my head 
We shall never go down again, 

Dearest Mrs. Discobbolos! " 

rv 
So Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos 

Stood up and began to sing, — 
" Far away from hurry and strife 
Here we will pass the rest of life, 
Ding a dong, ding dong, ding! 
We want no knives nor forks nor chairs, 
No tables nor carpets nor household cares; 
From worry of life we've fled; 
Oh! W!X!Y!Z! 
There is no more trouble ahead, 
Sorrow or any such thing, 

For Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos! " 



[384] 



MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS 

SECOND PAET 
I 

MR. and Mrs. Discobbolos 
Lived on the top of the wall, 
For twenty years, a month and a day, 
Till their hair had grown all pearly grey, 
And their teeth began to fall. 
They never were ill, or at all dejected, 
By all admired, and by some respected, 
Till Mrs. Discobbolos said, 
"O, W!X! Y!Z! 
It has just come into my head, 
We have no more room at all — 

Darling Mr. Discobbolos! 

n 
" Look at our six fine boys ! 

And our six sweet girls so fair! 
Upon this wall they have all been born, 
And not one of the twelve has happened to fall 

Through my maternal care! 
Surely they should not pass their lives 
Without any chance of husbands or wives! " 
And Mrs. Discobbolos said, 
"O, W!X! Y!Z! 
Did it never come into your head 
That our lives must be lived elsewhere, 
Dearest Mr. Discobbolos? 
[385] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

in 
" They have never heen at a ball, 

Nor have even seen a bazaar! 
Nor have heard folks say in a tone all hearty, 
* What loves of girls (at a garden party) 
Those Misses Discobbolos are ! ' 
Morning and night it drives me wild 
To think of the fate of each darling child! " 
But Mr. Discobbolos said, 
"O, W!X! Y!Z! 

iWhat has come into your fiddledum head! 
What a runcible goose you are ! 

Octopod Mrs. Discobbolos ! " 

IV 

Suddenly Mr. Discobbolos 

Slid from the top of the wall ; 
And beneath it he dug a dreadful trench, 
And filled it with dynamite, gunpowder gench, 

And aloud he began to call — 
" Let the wild bee sing, 
And the blue bird hum! 
For the end of your lives has certainly come ! " 
And Mrs. Discobbolos said, 
"O, W!X!Y!Z! 
We shall presently all be dead, 
On this ancient runcible wall, 

Terrible Mr. Discobbolos!" 

v 
Pensively, Mr. Discobbolos 

Sat with his back to the wall; 
He lighted a match, and fired the train, 
[386] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

And the mortified mountain echoed again 
To the sound of an awful fall ! 
And all the Discobbolos family flew 
In thousands of bits to the sky so blue, 
And no one was left to have said, 
"0,W!X!Y!Z! 
Has it come into anyone's head 
That the end has happened to all 

Of the whole of the Clan Discobbolos? " 



[ 387 ] 




THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT 

i 

ON the top of the Crumpetty Tree 
The Quangle Wangle sat, 
But his face you could not see, 

On account of his Beaver Hat. 
For his Hat was a hundred and two feet wide, 
With ribbons and bibbons on every side, 
And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace, 
So that nobody ever could see the face 
Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. 



ii 
The Quangle Wangle said 

To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, 
"Jam, and jelly, and bread 
Are the best of food for me! 
But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree 
The plainer than ever it seems to me 
That very few people come this way 
And that life on the whole is far from gay! " 
Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. 
[ 388 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

in 
But there came to the Crumpetty Tree 

Mr. and Mrs. Canary; 
And they said, " Did ever you see 

Any spot so charmingly airy? 
May we build a nest on your lovely Hat? 
Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! 
O please let us come and build a nest 
Of whatever material suits you best, 
Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" 

IV 

And besides, to the Crumpetty Tree 

Came the Stork, the Duck, and the Owl ; 
The Snail and the Bumble-Bee, 

The Frog and the Fimble Fowl 
(The Fimble Fowl, with a Corkscrew leg) ; 
And all of them said, " We humbly beg 
We may build our homes on your lovely Hat, — 
Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! 
Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee ! " 



v 
And the Golden Grouse came there, 
And the Pobble who has no toes, 
And the small Olympian bear, 

And the Dong with a luminous nose. 
And the Blue Baboon who played the flute, 
And the Orient Calf from the Land of Tute, 
And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat,— 
All came and built on the lovely Hat 
Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. 
[389] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

VI 

And the Quangle Wangle said 

To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, 
" When all these creatures move 

What a wonderful noise there'll be ! " 
And at night by the light of the Mulberry moon 
They danced to the Flute of the Blue Baboon, 
On the broad green leaves of the Crumpetty Tree, 
And all were as happy as happy could be, 
With the Quangle Wangle Quee. 



[890] 



THE CUMMERBUND 

AN INDIAN POEM 
I 

SHE sate upon her Dobie, 
To watch the Evening Star, 
And all the Punkahs, as they passed, 
Cried, " My! how fair you are! " 
Around her bower, with quivering leaves, 

The tall Kamsamahs grew, 
And Kitmutgars in wild festoons 
Hung down from Tchokis blue. 

II 
Below her home the river rolled 

With soft meloobious sound, 
Where golden-finned Chuprassies swam, 

In myriads circling round. 
Above, on tallest trees remote 

Green Ayahs perched alone, 
And all night long the Mussak moan'd 

Its melancholy tone. 

in 
And where the purple Nullahs threw 

Their branches far and wide, 
And silvery Goreewallahs flew 
In silence, side by side, 
[391] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

The little Bheesties' twittering cry 

Rose on the flagrant air, 
And oft the angry Jampan howled 

Deep in his hateful lair. 



IV 

She sate upon her Dobie, 

She heard the Nimmak hum, 
When all at once a cry arose, 

"The Cummerbund is come!" 
In vain she fled: with open jaws 

The angry monster followed, 
And so (before assistance came) 

That Lady Fair was swollowed. 



v 
They sought in vain for even a bone 

Respectfully to bury; 
They said, " Hers was a dreadful fate ! " 

(And Echo answered, "Very.") 
They nailed her Dobie to the wall, 

Where last her form was seen, 
And underneath they wrote these words, 

In yellow, blue, and green: 

"Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! 

Nor sit out late at night, 
Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, 

And swollow you outright." 

Note. — First published in Times of India, Bombay, July, 1874. 
[392] 



THE AKOND OF SWAT. 



F 



O, or why, or which, or what, 



Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? 
Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair, 

Is he wise or foolish, young or old ? 

Does he drink his soup and his coffee, cold, 

Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, 

And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk, 

Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? 
Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, 

When he writes a copy in round-hand size, 
Does he cross his T's and finish his I's 

Can he write a letter concisely clear 
Without a speck or a smudge or smear 

Do his people like him extremely well? 
Or do they, whenever they can, rebel.. 

If he catches them then, either old or young, 
Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, 

Do his people prig in the lanes or park? 
Or even at times, when days are dark, 

Does he study the wants of his own dominion? 
Or doesn't he care for public opinion 

[393] 



Is the Akond of Swat? 



or squat ? 
The Akond of Swat? 

or HOT, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or TROT, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or a cot, 
The Akond of Swat? 

with a dot, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or BLOT, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or PLOT, 
At the Akind of Swat? 

, or shot, 
The Akond of Swat? 

GAROTTE ? 

O the Akond of Swat! 

a jot, 
The Akond of Swat? 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



To amuse his mind do his people show him 
Pictures, or any one's last new poem, 

At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, 
Do they bring him only a few small cakes, 



or WHAT, 

For the Akond of Swat? 



Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? 

Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, 

Does he like to he on his back in a boat 
Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, 

Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? 

Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ, 

Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave? 
Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, 

Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? 
Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? 

Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, 
iWhen she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, 



or a lot, 
For the Akond of Swat? 

or a dot, 
The Akond of Swat? 

Shallott, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or a Scot, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or a GROTT, 
The Akond of Swat? 

or a pot, 
The Akond of Swat? 



or ROT, 
The Akond of Swat? 
Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, 



And tie it neat in a bow with ends, 

Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? 
When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, 

Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? 
Does he sail about on an inland lake, 



or a knot, 
The Akond of Swat? 



or NOT, 
The Akond of Swat? 



m a yacht, 
The Akond of Swat? 



Is the Akond of Swat! 



Some one, or nobody, knows I wot 
Who or which or why or what 

Note. — For the existence of this potentate see Indian newspapers, 
passim. The proper way to read the verses is to make an immense emphasis 
on the monosyllabic rhymes, which indeed ought to be shouted out by a 
chorus. 

[394] 



INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF MY UNCLE 
ARLY 

i 

OMY aged Uncle Arly ! 
Sitting on a heap of Barley 
Thro' the silent hours of night, — 
Close beside a leafy thicket : — 
On his nose there was a Cricket, — 
In his hat a Railway-Ticket; — 

(But his shoes were far too tight.) 

ii 
Long ago, in youth, he squander'd 
All his goods away, and wander'd 

To the Tiniskoop-hills afar. 
There on golden sunsets blazing, 
Every evening found him gazing, — 
Singing, — " Orb! you're quite amazing! 

" How I wonder what you are! " 

in 
Like the ancient Medes and Persians, 
Always by his own exertions 

He subsisted on those hills ; — 
Whiles, — by teaching children spelling, — 
Or at times by merely yelling, — 
Or at intervals by selling 

" Propter's Nicodemus Pills." 
[ 395 ] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

IV 

Later, in his morning rambles 

He perceived the moving brambles — 

Something square and white disclose; — 
'Twas a First-class Railway Ticket ; 
But, on stooping down to pick it 
Off the ground, — a pea-green Cricket 
Settled on my uncle's Nose. 

v 
Never — never more, — oh! never, 
Did that Cricket leave him ever, — 

Dawn or evening, day or night ; — 
Clinging as a constant treasure, — 
Chirping with a cheerious measure, — 
Wholly to my uncle's pleasure, — 

(Though his shoes were far too tight.) 

VI 

So for three-and-forty winters, 
Till his shoes were worn to splinters, 

All those hills he wander'd o'er, — 
Sometimes silent; — sometimes yelling; — 
Till he came to Borley-Melling, 
Near his old ancestral dwelling; — 

(But his shoes were far too tight.) 

VII 

On a little heap of Barley 
Died my aged uncle Arly, 

And they buried him one night; — 
Close beside the leafy thicket ; — 
There, — his hat and Railway-Ticket; — 
There, — his ever-faithful Cricket; — 

[(But his shoes were far too tight.) 
[ 396 ] 



ECLOGUE 

COMPOSED AT CANNES, DECEMBER 9TH, 1867 

(Interlocutors — Mr. Lear and Mr. and Mrs. Symonds.) 

Edwardus. — What makes you look so black, so glum, so cross? 
Is it neuralgia, headache, or remorse? 

Johannes. — What makes you look as cross, or even more so? 
Less like a man than is a broken Torso? 

E. — What if my life is odious, should I grin? 
If you are savage, need I care a pin? 

J. — And if I suffer, am I then an owl? 

May I not frown and grind my teeth and growl? 

E. — Of course you may; but may not I growl too? 
May I not frown and grind my teeth like you ? 

J. — See Catherine comes! To her, to her, 
Let each his several miseries refer; 
She shall decide whose woes are least or worst, 
And which, as growler, shall rank last or first. 

Catherine. — Proceed to growl, in silence I'll attend, 

And hear your foolish growlings to the end; 
[397] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

And when they're done, I shall correctly judge 
Which of your griefs are real or only fudge. 
Begin, let each his mournful voice prepare, 
(And pray, however angry, do not swear!) 

J. — We came abroad for warmth, and find sharp cold ! 
Cannes is an imposition, and we're sold. 

E. — Why did I leave my native land, to find 

Sharp hailstones, snow, and most disgusting 
wind? 

J. — What boots it that we orange trees or lemons see, 
If we must suffer from such vile inclemency? 

E. — Why did I take the lodgings I have got, 
Where all I don't want is: — all I want not? 

J.— Last week I called aloud, O! O! O! O! 

The ground is wholly overspread with snow ! 
Is that at any rate a theme for mirth 
Which makes a sugar-cake of all the earth? 

E. — Why must I sneeze and snuffle, groan and cough, 
If my hat's on my head, or if it's off? 
Why must I sink all poetry in this prose, 
The everlasting blowing of my nose? 

J. — When I walk out the mud my footsteps clogs, 
Besides, I suffer from attacks of dogs. 

E. — Me a vast awful bulldog, black and brown, 
Completely terrified when near the town; 
[398] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

As calves, perceiving butchers, trembling reel, 
So did my calves the approaching monster feel. 

J. — Already from two rooms we're driven away, 
Because the beastly chimneys smoke all day: 
Is this a trifle, say? Is this a joke? 
That we, like hams, should be becooked in smoke? 

E. — Say, what avails it that my servant speaks 
Italian, English, Arabic, and Greek, 
Besides Albanian : if he don't speak French, 
How can he ask for salt, or shrimps, or tench? 

J. — When on the foolish hearth fresh wood I place, 
It whistles, sings, and squeaks, before my face : 
And if it does unless the fire burns bright, 
And if it does, yet squeaks, how can I write? 

E. — Alas ! I needs must go and call on swells, 

That they may say, "Pray draw me the Es- 

trelles." 
On one I went last week to leave a card, 
The swell was out — the servant eyed me hard : 
" This chap's a thief disguised," his face ex- 
pressed : 
If I go there again, may I be blest! 

J. — Why must I suffer in this wind and gloom? 
Roomattics in a vile cold attic room? 

E. — Swells drive about the road with haste and fury, 
As Jehu drove about all over Jewry. 
[399] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

Just now, while walking slowly, I was all but 
Run over by the Lady Emma Talbot, 
Whom not long since a lovely babe I knew, 
With eyes and cap-ribbons of perfect blue. 

J. — Downstairs and upstairs, every blessed minute, 
There's each room with pianofortes in it. 
How can I write with noises such as those? 
And, being always discomposed, compose? 

E. — Seven Germans through my garden lately 

strayed, 
And all on instruments of torture played: 
They blew, they screamed, they yelled: how can 

I paint 
Unless my room is quiet, which it ain't? 

J. — How can I study if a hundred flies 

Each moment blunder into both my eyes? 

E. — How can I draw with green or blue or red, 
If flies and beetles vex my old bald head? 

J. — How can I translate German Metaphys- 
ics, if mosquitoes round my forehead whizz? 

E. — I've bought some bacon (though it's much too 
fat), 
But round the house there prowls a hideous cat : 
Once should I see my bacon in her mouth, 
What care I if my rooms look north or south? 
[400] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

J. — Pain from a pane in one cracked window comes, 
Which sings and whistles, huzzes, shrieks and 

hums; 
In vain amain with pain the pane with this chord 
I fain would strain to stop the heastly discord! 

E. — If rain and wind and snow and such like ills 
Continue here, how shall I pay my bills? 
For who through cold and slush and rain will 

come 
To see my drawings and to purchase some? 
And if they don't, what destiny is mine? 
How can I ever get to Palestine? 

J. — The blinding sun strikes through the olive trees, 
When I walk out, and always makes me sneeze. 

E. — Next door, if all night long the moon is shining, 
There sits a dog, who wakes me up with whining. 

Cath. — Forbear! You both are bores, you've growled 
enough : 
No longer will I listen to such stuff! 
All men have nuisances and bores to afflict 'um : 
Hark then, and bow to my official dictum ! 
For you, Johannes, there is most excuse, 
(Some interruptions are the very deuce), 
You're younger than the other cove, who surely 
Might have some sense — besides, you're some- 
what poorly. 
This therefore is my sentence, that you nurse 
The Baby for seven hours, and nothing worse. 
[401] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

For you, Edwardus, I shall say no more 

Than that your griefs are fudge, yourself a bore : 

Return at once to cold, stewed, minced, hashed 

mutton — 
To wristbands ever guiltless of a button — 
To raging winds and sea (where don't you wish 
Your luck may ever let you catch one fish?) — 

To make large drawings nobody will buy — 
To paint oil pictures which will never dry — 
To write new books which nobody will read — 
To drink weak tea, on tough old pigs to feed — 
Till spring-time brings the birds and leaves and 

flowers, 
And time restores a world of happier hours. 



[402] 



NONSENSE ALPHABETS 




was an Area Arch 

Where washerwomen sat; 
They made a lot of lovely starch 
To starch Papa's Cravat. 




was a Bottle blue, 
Which was not very small; 
Papa he filled it full of beer, 
And then he drank it all. 
[405] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was Papa's grey Cat, 

Who caught a squeaky Mouse; 
She pulled him by his twirly tail 
All about the house. 




was Papa's white Duck, 

Who had a curly tail; 
One day it ate a great fat frog, 
Besides a leetle snail. 



[406] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



E 




E 



was a little Egg, 

Upon the breakfast table; 
Papa came in and ate it up 
As fast as he was able. 



F 




F 



was a little Fish. 
Cook in the river took it. 
Papa said, " Cook! Cook! bring a dish! 
And, Cook! be quick and cook it! " 

[407] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



G 




G 



was Papa's new Gun; 

He put it in a box; 
And then he went and bought a bun, 
And walked about the Docks. 



H 




H 



was Papa's new Hat; 

He wore it on his head; 
Outside it was completely black, 
But inside it was red. 



[408] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



I 




I 



was an Inkstand new, 
Papa he likes to use it; 
He keeps it in his pocket now, 
For fear that he should lose it. 




was some Apple Jam, 

Of which Papa ate part; 

But all the rest he took away 

And stuffed into a tart. 

[409] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



K 




K 



(was a great new Kite ; 
Papa he saw it fly 
Above a thousand chimney pots, 
And all about the sky. 



[410] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




i was a fine new Lamp; 

But when the wick was lit, 
Papa he said, " This Light ain't good! 

I cannot read a bit! " 



M 




M 



was a dish of mince; 
It looked so good to eat! 
Papa, he quickly ate it up, 
And said, " This is a treat! 
[411] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




N 



was a Nut that grew 
High up upon a tree; 
Papa, who could not reach it, said, 
" That's much too high for me! " 



o 




o 



was an Owl who flew 

All in the dark away, 
Papa said, "What an owl you are! 
Why don't you fly hy day? " 

[412] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was a little Pig, 
Went out to take a walk ; 
Papa he said, " If Piggy dead, 
He'd all turn into Pork!" 



Q 








was a Quince that hung 
Upon a garden tree; 
Papa he brought it with him home, 
And ate it with his tea. 



[418] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



R 




R 



was a Railway Rug 
Extremely large and warm; 
Papa he wrapped it round his head, 
In a most dreadful storm. 



s 



' was Papa's new Stick, 

Papa's new thumping Stick, 

To thump extremely wicked boys, 
Because it was so thick. 



[414] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was a tumbler full 
Of Punch all hot and good; 
Papa he drank it up, when in 
The middle of a wood. 



u 




was a silver urn, 
Full of hot scalding water; 
Papa said, " If that Urn were mine, 
I'd give it to my daughter! " 
[415] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




V 



was a Villain; once 
He stole a piece of beef. 
Papa he said, " Oh, dreadful manl 
That Villain is a Thief! " 




was a Watch of Gold: 

It told the time of day, 
So that Papa knew when to come, 
And when to go away. 
[416] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



X 




was King Xerxes, whom 
Papa much wished to know; 
But this he could not do, because 
Xerxes died long ago. 



Y 




was a Youth, who kicked 
And screamed and cried like mad; 
Papa he said, " Your conduct is 
Abominably bad! " 
[417] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 




was a Zebra, striped 
And streaked with lines of black; 
Papa said once, he thought he'd like 
A ride upon his back. 



[418] 



ALPHABET 



tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood. 
" My Boy, oh, do not cry ; it cannot do you good ! " 
" A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm." 
" A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm." 
" An Egg beat up with milk would quickly make him well." 
" A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell." 
" Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold." 
" His Hat should be kept on, to keep him from the cold." 
" Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon." 
" Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon ! " 
" A Kangaroo is here, — this picture let him see." 
" A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea." 
" A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction." 
" Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction." 
" An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink." 
" Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think." 
" A Quince I recommend, — a Quince, or else a Quail." 
" Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail." 
" A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh ! " 
" A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half ! " 
" An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin ! " 
" I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin ! " 
" Some Whisky- Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball ! " 
" Some double XX ale would be the best of all ! " 
" Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect 

plaster ! " 
" Here is a box of Zinc ! Get in, my little master ! 

We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down! We will, my 
little master! 

We think we've all heard quite enough of this your sad 
disaster ! " 



A 


tumb 


B 


said, 


C 


said, 


D 


said, 


E 


said, 


F 


said, 


G 


said, 


H 


saidj 


I 


said, 


J 


said, 


L 


said, 


K 


said, 


M 


said, 


N 


said, 





said, 


P 


said, 


Q 


said, 


R 


said, 


S 


said, 


T 


said, 


Q 


said, 


V 


said, 


W said, 


X 


said, 


Y 


said, 


Z 


said, 



[419] 



HOW PLEASANT TO KNOW MR. LEAR 

THE following lines by Mr. Lear were written for a young 
lady of his acquaintance, who had quoted to him the 
words of a young lady not of his acquaintance, " How Pleas- 
ant to know Mr. Lear! " 

" How pleasant to know Mr. Lear! " 

Who has written such volumes of Stuff! 
Some think him ill-tempered and queer, 
But a few think him pleasant enough. 

His mind is concrete and fastidious, 

His nose is remarkably big; 
His visage is more or less hideous, 

His beard it resembles a wig. 

He has ears, and two eyes, and ten fingers, 
Leastways if you reckon two thumbs ; 

Long ago he was one of the singers, 
But now he is one of the dumbs. 

He sits in a beautiful parlour, 

With hundreds of books on the wall; 

He drinks a great deal of Marsala, 
But never gets tipsy at all. 

He has many friends, lay men and clerical, 

Old Foss is the name of his cat; 
His body is perfectly spherical, 

He weareth a runcible hat. 
[420] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 

When he walks in waterproof white, 
The children run after him so! 

Calling out, " He's come out in his night- 
Gown, that crazy old Englishman, oh! " 

He weeps hy the side of the ocean, 
He weeps on the top of the hill ; 

He purchases pancakes and lotion, 
And chocolate shrimps from the mill. 

He reads, but he cannot speak, Spanish, 

He cannot abide ginger beer: 
Ere the days of his pilgrimage vanish, 

How pleasant to know Mr. Lear! 



[421] 



FROM THE LETTERS 



FROM THE LETTERS 
01 MEMBER FOR THE COUNTY LOUTH 

OMIMBER for the County Louth 
Residing at Ardee! 
Whom I, before I wander South 
Partik'lar wish to see: — 

I send you this. — That you may know 

I've left the Sussex shore, 
And coming here two days ago 

Do cough for evermore. 

Or gasping hard for breath do sit 

Upon a brutal chair, 
For to lie down in Asthma fit 

Is what I cannot bear. 

Or sometimes sneeze : and always blow 

My well-developed nose. 
And altogether never know 

No comfort nor repose. 

All through next week I shall be here, 

To work as best I may, 
On my last picture, which is near- 

-er finished every day. 



[425] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



THERE WAS AN OLD MAN WHO FELT PERT 

THERE was an old man who felt pert 
When he wore a pale rose-coloured shirt. 
When they said " Is it pleasant? " 
He cried " Not at present — 
It's a leetle too short — is my shirt! " 



BUT AH! (THE LANDSCAPE PAINTER SAID) 

BUT ah! (the Landscape painter said,), 
A hrutal fly walks on my head 
And my bald skin doth tickle; 
And so I stop distracted quite, 
(With itching skin for who can write?) 
In most disgusting pickle — 



THERE WAS AN OLD PERSON OF PAXO 

THERE was an old person of Paxo 
Which complained when the fleas bit his back so, 
But they gave him a chair 
And impelled him to swear, 
Which relieved that old person of Paxo. 



[426] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



TENNYSONIAN PARODIES 

1. Like the Wag who jumps at evening 
All along the sanded floor. 

2. To watch the tipsy cripples on the beach, 
With topsy turvy signs of screamy play. 

3. Tom-Morry Pathos; — all things bare, — 

With such a turkey ! such a hen ! 
And scrambling forms of distant men, 
O! — ain't you glad you were not there! 

4. Delirious Bulldogs; — echoing, calls 

My daughter, — green as summer grass: — 
The long supine Plebeian ass, 
The nasty crockery boring falls ; — 

5. Spoon meat at Bill Porter's in the Hall, 
With green pomegranates, and no end of Bass. 



O! CHICHESTER, MY CARLINGFORD! 

OH1 Chichester, my Carlingford! 
O! Parkinson, my Sam! 
0!SPQ, my Fortescue! 
How awful glad I am ! 

For now you'll do no more hard work 
Because by sudden pleasing- jerk 

You're all at once a peer, — 
Whereby I cry, God bless the Queen ! 
As was, and is, and still has been, 

Yours ever, Edward Lear. 
[427] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



SAITH THE POET OF NONSENSE 

S'AITH the Poet of Nonsense 
" Thoughts into my head do come 
Thick as flies upon a plum." 



WHEN " GRAND OLD MEN " PERSIST IN FOLLY 

WHEN " Grand old men "■ persist in folly 
In slaughtering men and chopping trees, 
What art can soothe the melancholy 

Of those whom futile " statesmen " teaze? 

The only way their wrath to cover 

To let mankind know who's to blame-o — 

Is first to rush by train to Dover 
And then straight onward to Sanremo. 



IT IS A VIRTUE IN INGENUOUS YOUTH 

IT is a virtue in ingenuous youth, 
To leave off lying and return to truth, 
For well it's known that all religious morals 
Are caused by Bass's Ale and South Atlantic Corals. 



[428] 



THE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 



HIS GARDEN 

AND this is certain; if so be 
You could just now my garden see, 
The aspic of my flowers so bright 
Would make you shudder with delight. 

And if you voz to see my rozziz 
As is a boon to all men's nozziz, — 
You'd fall upon your back and scream — 
" O Lawk! O criky! it's a dream! " 



[429] 



tTHE COMPLETE NONSENSE BOOK 













3i^77-4 



[430] 



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